When one is in the midst of Randori

It might look something like this.

9-11-01

Ten years ago today, when the first plane flew into the towers, I was at a viewing, yes the pre-funeral one for a dear friend's dad. I remember driving back to work and feeling as if something wasn't right but it wasn't until I got to work and saw CNN.com that I knew what had transpired. I was sent home because I live within 35 miles of NYC and the nearby military facility was being set up to receive injured folks that never came. I remember being at the chiropractor that evening and her husband at the time worked in the WTC but didn't make it in to work because he was attending a funeral.

I remember as the names of those murdered started to trickle in, I started to see familiar ones, a friend from grammar school and high school, some firemen I knew from karate class. And friends of some of my kid friends whose dads or moms just never were able to come home.

Just unthinkable, nearly unbearable to be adjacent to that much carnage and pain. Still raw 10 years later. But I learned to believe in hope, love and energy. And to be grateful for the lessons the universe brings me. Chief among them being, there is right now, and that's it.

Bardo

Bardo is a Tibetan word, it means transition and often refers to the 49 day period between when dies and is reborn. October 18th was 49 days ago and my dad had a seizure while in mid sentence about 6pm, a code was called, an ambulance was called and at 6:54pm he was declared dead by the ER doc. At about 645 I was outside the ER treatment room where I heard someone say that was the third round of epi and he's been down 45 minutes. I've seen enough ER and Grey's Anatomy in my day to suspect a 4th round of epi would be administered. But before that discussion took place a security agent took me to the 'family room' where my sister and my mom were waiting to find out what was happening. By 7pm the doc on duty had told us that my dad had passed and by 730p we had called the out of town siblings to let them know and we were back at the house looking for wills and papers and a pizza. So for the first bunch of time I was numb as hell, and it's how I got through the viewing and funeral, or maybe I don't know how I got through any of it. But I did.

What Buddhist folks believe is this - 49 days after someone leaves this life, they're reborn. And one can undertake certain rituals to ease a loved ones transition and while I'm not really well versed on how to undertake this stuff officially, I go with what I understand. I know that the universe strives for balance, that's what karma is about and that by certain deeds one can throw the balance out of whack so that one's karma is eased. At least, that's how my accountant brain gets this. So for the past 49 days (and the 11 days before that when Rupe got) sick, I've liberated various sentient beings (108 crickets and 1000 worms) to ease their suffering. Chanted medicine Buddha mantras and when that didn't work out how I was hoping, I chanted 100 syllable Vajrasattva mantras for purification of karma.

So Rupe, welcome back, be safe and be happy. We still miss the hell out of you.

Stages of Grief

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross spoke of 5 stages of grief. My experience so far has been 1 and it's none of the ones Kubler-Ross spoke of, it is and remains, what the fuck?

Don't know quite what I expected

but this is so not any kind of linear experience. It was at first, Rupe got sick, he seemed to be getting better, didn't get better and died, we did the ritual stuff. That all was linear but the feelings aren't, they're more roller coastery then all that. And that's all I've got to say about that day.

On another note, today is Halloween, I gave out prunes. Individually wrapped prunes, until I ran out and had to give a kid an envelope of tuna. Not sure if it was cat tuna or people tuna. Got some more prunes and haven't had a trick or treater since.

So perhaps I've mentioned

That October 18 was life changing for me in ways, I'd thought I'd considered. And as I am occasionally a thoughtful person I'd considered them across a breadth of emotions that I'd likely encounter as my parents, siblings, friends and assorted loved ones, acquaintances and family members aged. So breadth I was somewhat prepared for, depth I had no idea. At first I was just sad and numb, and I welcomed the numbness because it made it way easier to get through the public mourning events my people are inclined to do. But now when the mourning is done largely at home with the cat life and in the car, it's with a full bodied sadness, that I will confess is new to me.

As I described it in talking with one friend it's a hot mess of suck. And it will suck for an epic long time, but please do know that you care enough to try and take some of that away makes it suck a little less. And makes it suck a little less life and humor out of me. Which is about all I'm hoping for today.

Hmm where the hell have I been

Sprained a wrist shopping back in May. Bought a 40lb kettlebell, dropped it, grabbed it with the last 2 fingers on the left hand and some ligament action said what the fuck? At the time I was training to test for first kyu in Aikido. So that had to be postponed because I had to rest me wrist. Which I did for about two weeks then wrapped it up and hopped back on the mat. The process of training was interesting because I started recognizing some but not all nuance. Which is, I suppose the story of my life. In the meantime, the siblings and I were planning what has become known as Anniversapalooza in celebration of the parental types 50th wedding anniversary. The week before which I tested for 1st kyu. Which went well, because the teacher I have trains us in such a way that you will do well. Then Anniversapalooza. Dinner at the sisters Friday, family portrait Saturday morning, out to dinner Saturday night. Wonderful stuff. So then we come to Thursday October 7. I get a frantic phone call from the mothership (who does not do frantic - ever) telling me to get to the ER, something was wrong with my father and it doesn't look good. And get ahold of the siblings. Thank God for blue tooth. The situation with my father after a battery of tests was something called hypokalemia. Not enough potassium in the blood. But there was also a whole bunch of atrial fibrillation that seemed to be better managed once the potassium situation got straightened out. At least for a while, like 11 days awhile. On October 18th at about 615pm in mid-sentence, Rupe stopped. Breathing,and talking and apparently living in the body he was occupying at the time. The called a code, and emts and took him up to the ER. And knowing entirely too much about what goes on at a code, you don't necessarily want to be outside the treatment room and hear the folks say, he's been down for 45 minutes and this is the third round of epi. Because there wasn't going to be a 4th round. I was then shown by a very nice security dude to the 'family room' in the ER where I found the mothership and the sister. Shortly after that, we had to sign some computer screens for the emts, and then the doc came in to tell us that Rupe had passed. From all accounts I'm thinking he was gone when his head hit his chest.

Some Post Funeral Thoughts

To get you up to speed, my dad died suddenly October 18th. And it was every bit the hot mess of suck you'd expect. And then some. I have to interject some levity into the situation because otherwise it is unbearable.

Do not ask the adult children of the deceased (or anyone else for that matter) 'do you know who I am?' unless you want the honest answer. Ooh wait, Some kind of jackass. A moron, perhaps.

Do read people's body language, I know mine said loud and clear I am trying to get through this so please do not make me cry.

How do they know?

Cats I mean - how do they know that I'm fresh out of the shower so it's time to hurl down my neck?

How do they know to hurl in my Crocs?
How do they know that if they lick my potato they get to keep it but the steak is mine all mine?

So, It's been a while

It would seem that though I've been studiously avoiding being pinned down to a date to test for the next rank in Aikido. The date would seem to be nearly upon us - in June. Oddly, I enjoy preparing to test, even odder, I enjoy all the mat room you get to yourself while testing, it's the anticipation that has me really quite noncommittal.

These would seem to be the requirements: USAF testing requirements

Eek.

Funfilled Thanksgiving

Ventured to the house of bro and sis in law for the family Thanksgiving gathering. Had not been in attendance for several years but was glad to make it down there this year. Nurtured my inner redneck with a trek to Bass Pro Shops and Gander Mountain. Freakin' awesome. Yes, I am that rarest of rare birds - buddhist redneck. Hey someone's got to do it. We had fine food and company and it was a fine, fine time. I have much to be thankful for!

Ryotetori Kokyuho

We went through this technique in great detail today. I need to remember to move the feet so I get the arm extension right. And to move the feet so I get the hips moving. Hips need to be moving to move people. So it was interesting.

Then when it came time to take ukemi, had to remember to exhale when I hit the deck and bend into the fall.

We had ourselves...

a li'l old nor'easter in these parts recently. Made for some lively surf.

Icepacks

The Shark often complains about my affinity for ice packs. It's not that I necessarily have an affinity for them, it's that I have a phobia about inflammation in my soft tissue. Soft tissue being anything that's not bone which is hard tissue in the parlance of my people. I used to fight the inflammation with oral nsaids and herbal antiinflammatories and then my gut got ugly about it so that's not happening anymore. So I'm all over the ice packs.

Good times, good times.

The Universe is a funny old gal

Yesterday, my sister had an extra ticket to see Bruce of Springsteen. Perhaps you are familiar with the name. Like Springsteen, I grew up in Freehold NJ (sharkbutt will argue that I'm grown out not grown up, but whatever!) It's probably been about 10 years or so since I've seen he and the E Street Band in concert and probably been about 20 since I've seen them in concert in NJ. There is a religious fervor to the madness surrounding it and I ain't even gonna lie. I was swept up in it. And yeah, I know every word to every song. This got me home at about 1 this morning and the alarm at 6 was ugly and early. If ya know what I mean. But I had to fetch the mothership for our annual trek to the Race for the Cure. And there is a religious fervor to the race for the cure. The energy is extraordinary. And not just from the 15 kids I high fived on my way through.

Great weekend, very powerful stuff.

Sigh

This evenings adventure was shihonage. Or as I like to call it goddamn shihonage. For me it is one of the most frightening projection throws because if you don't keep your partners hand in the proper place you can really trash their shoulder.

This is what it looks like:

Yokomenuchi Shihonage

Meditation

Sharkbutt is helping me type this because my eyeballs are dilated. It is expected to take a while because we fight about the spelling. Sharkbutt being a way more creative speller than I. (note from sharkb - her mooey, that why her no spell fun)

There's all kinds of writing on the subject of meditation, not many of them discuss it in bare bones terms. I will, somedays the good feeling wash over you (sharkb - making you so full of the milk of human kindness that you moo) somedays it's like grinding glass between your teeth. Most days it just is what it is, sitting on your ass observing your thoughts. (shark - if you foodchik it your thought). The point is to sit quietly, quiet your mind and recognize your thoughts are just that thoughts.

(sharkb - try that, donut call it nuffin, sit and fink or donut fink)

24

I am marking 24 years of sobriety, the last time I had a drink was 9-23-85. In those twenty four years I have learned a thing or two about a thing or two and I will share 24 of them in case they might help someone else. These are not original at least not all of them, but to me they've been true.

1 - The universe gives you what you need to learn, which ain't necessarily what you want or deserve.

2 - The universe will repeat these things you need to learn until learn them.

3 - Once you get past fear as a motivator, you can allow yourself to be kind. Instinctively, naturally kind.

4 - Fearful people can be assholes, but mainly they're just scared.

5 - Assholes don't always have enough sense to be afraid.

6 - The need for resolution is an addiction.

7 - The need for understanding, yep, also an addiction.

8 - Somedays one day at a time is too damn far ahead to plan, somedays I managed it 5 minutes at a time.

9 - Farts smell because they're passing through shit on their way out. Hey, I didn't say it was all gonna be worthwhile things to know.

10 - Anger might not be healthy, but it was the only thing that got my ass out of bed for a lot of years.

11 - Sarongs, sports bras and tattoos is a scary, scary look for me.

12 - Turn into the source of the pain. Turning away, you take your eyes off it and start to fear 'it' which is more frightening than facing it and staring it down.

13 - Cat hurl remediation - step 1 - pick it up, step 2 - soak up the remaining liquid with paper towels - step 3 - sprinkle baking soda on the spot - step 4 - scrub with a brush and let sit - step 5 - vacuum it up.

14 - Bracing your abdomen during exertion will protect your low back. This is not sucking in your stomach, brace like you're going to be punched.

15 - Meditate to quiet your mind.

16 - And meditate to quiet the voices in your head. You know, the negative ones. The ones you hear when the fear takes over, or the self loathing takes over.

17 - Self loathing is self absorbed, knock it the fuck off.

18 - Don't pass up an opportunity to have an inside joke with yourself.

19 - Examine and test your instincts well enough to trust them.

20 - Don't give your cats canned people tuna - it's really not good for them.

21 - Keeping your toilet seats up gives your cats the opportunity to fall in the toilet, and put cats toys in your toilet. It also messes up the feng shui in your house.

22 - Being on either end of a headbutt hurts like a bitch.

23 - Heartbreak sucks but if you handle it right, it creates more room in your heart.

24 - If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you ever going to love anyone else?


Some practical (more than not) some useless.

Mammography

Someone (not me) will write a song about it. If you're familiar with the process, I'm telling you nothing you don't already know. If not, gather around children, it's a compelling story, which I tell elegantly. Ok, first of all, you're about 1/4 to 1/2 naked. Second of all, like some thrill ride at the carnival you're asked to step right up, where your naked trembling breast is placed on the platform, and it sticks to the platform so moving it at all requires lifting the entire thing and rearranging it. This is not the treat one might hope for. Let alone arranging it so that the freakin' nipple that's curling into itself in fear and trepidation can be spread out for the squeezing. Yeah, if your nipples hide, you do it again. And again and a goddamn gain, but I'm not bitter.

Whether we've met or not, you likely do not know this about me since I wear a bulletproof sportsbra except whilst in the shower but I do sport a bit of a rack. And as I am at an age where I need annual mammograms and no, they're not as perky as they used to be but thanks for your interest. Alas, how easily I digress. My point being that perky d-cups turn into pancakes in the chamber of horror, I mean mammography. And just as lefty has been freed with a looks good, you realize - we're going back in tooooooooooooooo squish the armpit. So the technician and I have now established a rapport, which is good because my boobs don't get handled this much on a first date. And I ask so, how bad is this going to screw up my already screwed up rotator cuff. It would seem not too bad. But again, I digress. As this proceeds, I get more and more outrageous. She's got me draped around, across and upside this machine, tells me to hold my breath and relax. I laugh wholeheartedly and say, um you gotta pick one. I can hold my breath or relax not both. Since my dignity is long since gone, as she proceeds to arrange righty for the squish, I say you've handled my breasts so much I feel I should at least buy you a drink. In case you ever were curious, it is entirely possible for an African-American woman to turn bright red.

There are many many things I like about the joint where I go to get my mammogram. They have robes in my size - V for vast. And they're robes, not damn gowns that my ass hangs out all out of and around. The feng shui in the place is calming and soothing. And most importantly, you know your results before you walk out of the door.

Happily, the girls are fine, the scarred up lymph nodes are still scarred up. (Did I mention I used to fight - a lot?) But everything is as it should be.

This isn't meant to scare anyone. Just do it, if not for you, for your kids, your friends, your family or the girls. You want to enjoy them, don't you?

4 Noble Truths

Buddhist folks believe 4 things that are referred to as the four noble truths. I'll paraphrase because I'm not up for fancy language today.

1) In life there is suffering. (the Buddha doesn't say this but I will - duh)

2)The reason we suffer is because we are attached to things (places, people, pleasures, ego - crap like that).

3) We can make the suffering stop by relinquishing our attachments to things ( places, people, pleasures, ego - you get the idea)

4)The 8 fold path will lead you to the end of suffering. Which I will discuss at another time.


My prevailing reality this evening is that I took a fairly highflying aikido class this evening. I have planted my ass and the rest of me on a collection of 7 ice packs. I am gravity's bitch, and momentum is my friend. Also, fat (mine) does fly.

So I am at least for tonight a very simple soul - explained here above.

Sharkbutt would simply say that I'm a cow and I moo. I say maybe I'm imitating a lighthouse because I'm not moving quick enough to be a cow.