22 December 2007

Enough Already

I have been coughing up a lung for the better part of the last 10 days. And loath as I am to venture into a doc's office with the other germ spreaders (actually started into the doc in the box the other night but someone was vomicking into a waste can and I said to myself, "self, this here hack is not so bad", so I kept right on stepping.) Anyway, I hadn't previously realized that the antihistamines I take to keep the everyday allergens at bay (ya know, like the 3 cats) actually dry matters out so that I end up with this persistent evil cough. So, I've knocked off the friggin' antihistamines and the cough is dissipating finally. Yay!

18 December 2007

The Adventure That Is My Day Job

In addition to the kinds of year end stuff that one does when one is queen of payroll, I'm currently involved in system testing web applications that we are rolling out to the constituency soon. So the system testing is occuring in my spare time, and there is not much of it.

In addition to all the silliness, the USPS is on an absolute tear about address integrity and have thus far returned about 20K (or 17%) of the documents we sent out for 1 December. So people are kind of irate at us because the USPS is not delivering their mail. And it's my problem to solve, because in addition to my special powers of omniscience, bilocations and mind reading I'm also in charge of the United States Postal Service North East Operation. So.... way.... not.....! But try telling the clients that.

So that's my story. The good news, is that they spell my name write on my direct deposit and they get it into my account.

11 December 2007

Practical Aspects of Buddhism

There is great emphasis on mindfulness in Buddhism, and whilst there is a certain amount of spiritual uplift intended from the practice of being mindful, there is also a pragmatic aspect of it. To wit, when I pay fucking attention I do not end up with Dinosaur Barbeque's Cajun Spice rub in my oatmeal.

So basically what all the Buddhism teachers have been speaking of all these years are the same things that the Catholic nuns with whom I spent my youth, essentially "Sharkb, pull your head out of your ass, would you?"

10 December 2007

Christmas Meme

Christmas Meme

I found this meme on Shazza's blog and thought I would play along too!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both - I am exquisitely disorganized. So sometimes it's neither.

2. Real tree or artificial? I love the scent of a real tree, but I have evil cats and oh yeah I'm Buddhist. So there is a fake palm tree up all year in my house and it's usually festooned with prayer flags and decorations of a flamingo-y ilk.


3. When do you put up the tree? It's been up since July 2004.

4. When do you take the tree down? I don't

5. Do you like eggnog? I used to back when I enjoyed a cocktail

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A bat.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, unless I regifted it.

8. Hardest person to buy for? The parental units.

9. Easiest person to buy for? the cats. oh, they're not people to everyone. My sister M, she gives very explicit instructions.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I usually send out Losar cards (Tibetan New Year) and not just because it gives me until February.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a fifth of really good scotch, the December after I got sober. Took me a long time to give that away.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch That Stole Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? It depends. I sometimes buy Christmas gifts when I travel if I find unique things. I seldom complete my shopping before 12-27.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, I've done it.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Chocolate
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like color

17. Favorite Christmas song? As I was gainfully employed as an assistant to a church organist during some of my time in Scranton, I am rather enamored of the old churchy favorites especially O' Come Emmanuel.


17b. Christmas Song That, When You Hear It, Makes Your Eyes Bleed And Your Brains Start To Leak Out Your Ears, Because That Is Less Painful Than Having To Listen To That *&%^&$# Song One More Time! Anything in the vein of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" (obnoxious!) or Dominic the fucking Donkey

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I don't cook so often rely on the kindness of family or friends.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeers? Santa has reincows not reindeer and they're named Trixie, Bubbles, Boom Boom, Busty,
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Nada

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Generally morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Traffic

24. Favorite Christmas Tradition? Making a special breakfast for the catz.

25. Outdoor decorations? All pink flamingos all the time.
If you want to play! Please do!

09 December 2007

James Lipton/Bernard Piveau Questionaire

On the Actor's Studio, James Lipton asks each of the guests the following questions, he attributes them to Bernard Piveau. It's unlikely that I will ever answer them on the Actor's Studio, but I will answer them here.

What is your favorite word? Naked!
What is your least favorite word? Phlegm
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Engagement of a creative, spiritual, emotional or intellectual ilk.
What turns you off? A lack of respect
What is your favorite curse word? Sparrow fart chicken fucker
What sound or noise do you love? laughter, heavy breathing, applause
What sound or noise do you hate? gas (abdominal) igniting
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? baby whisperer
What profession would you not like to do? undertaker
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 'sup, home slice

If you've read this, and find it interesting enough to do yourself then tag you're it.

08 December 2007

Isn't It Rich?

Yes, that is the opening line from send in the clowns... and because I'm writing about the latest adventure in "Ethics" from my employer, well, doesn't it just fit? The quick and dirty here is that because all manner of people benefit from egregious acts of fraud and dirty dealing in gubmint, the minions are hosed. To wit: the employer leases space in a building on the main drag o' gubmint in this state (and yes, right in one, the state is confusion) and we've occupied this building for nearly 20 years. For many of the 20 years, the building management has hosted a holiday soiree of sorts, some years a cocktail party after work, more recently a breakfast before work. And previously the minion occupants have been able to go without any conflama. However, this years breakfast is scheduled for next week and the ethics gurus have determined that as public employees we are unable to attend. This is of course, absurd. Had we had any influence on the leasing of this space we would have insisted that the restrooms are cleaned, well stocked with toilet paper and paper towels and cleaned. Like daily, using actual cleaning products. And we'd have leased space in a building where the extremely scary restrooms vent to the outside. Because a floor full of 100 minions, who had the bean burrito special is simply methane hell with ventilation, without it is where brimstone goes to die.

I've already informed my boss, if he thinks I'm putting my girlish body between my staff and free bacon he is out of his cotton picking mind.

Tell Me A Story

Tell me a story please....

Okay, so Fran tagged DCup who then tagged Wyldth1ng, who in turn tagged The Village Carpenter who knew that she could tag me, with an unusual story-building "meme" that was started by Splotchy who wrote...Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out. So I was tagged by Shazza and we're off on this story rampage.

________________________________________________________________
I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIam)



I stood for a moment considering what all this meant. Oh, I knew what it meant, I didn’t need to waste time thinking about it. He was back. And he was mad.I ran down the hallway and flung open the door at the end. I was immediately hit with a blast of cold. I took a step back as I tried to catch my breath. I bent over, hands on my knees panting. He always had this remarkable effect on me. After so much time, it no longer scared me, but it was a shock nonetheless……“You know,” I panted, “There’s no need to break things to get myattention.” (DCup)


I woke up hungry. I rolled out of bed smacking my alarm clock that was singing Carly Simon and thinking to myself I have to stop eating pizza right before bed and then sleeping till noon. I must remember to change that station to something that will actually wake me.
Stubbing my toe on my boots on my way to the kitchen, I glanced sideways down the hall and caught the dead body out of the corner of my eye. (Wyldth1ng)


I rubbed my eyes, not wanting to believe them, looked again, and then sprang headlong into the living room. Oh God, no! I dropped to my knees, hot tears erupting and blurring my vision. NO!!! In the name of all that is good and right, why him? Why HIM?!
It was Jerry. My pet cockroach. Somehow, he'd gotten loose from the little flat I'd made for him and was...what? Seeking adventure? Overtaken by wanderlust? I glanced over at his little apartment. His tiny divan with the embroidered "J" sitting empty, his six little booties all lined up under his chiffarobe. Oh, his feet must cold. I touched them, ever so gently. What's this? Do I detect a hint of warmth? My heart leapt, I dropped lower, pressing my mouth to his and breathing two little puffs of air. Pulling back, I gently pushed 1, 2, 3.....30 times on his minute chest. More air, more pushing. To no avail. It was too late. Too late for my little Jerry. I sat back, exhausted, still weeping, licked my lips and tasted....tasted....applesauce? (The Village Carpenter)



I immediately knew poor little Jerry was the victim of foul play - he's allergic to applesauce. I was going to find the bastard that lured Jerry in with it's creamy sweetness knowing that he would gorge himself, as it was his only weakness.

I scooped up ol' Jerry in my hands, gave him one last little kiss good bye and then flushed him down the toilet. "Good by ol' buddy...I will miss you. You were one in a million." I walked across the room to get my bright orange Crocs (yeah, they are ugly, but boy are they comfortable). As I padded across the floor my foot stepped on something sharp. Glass! "Where did this come from?" I wondered as I picked up a shard and examined it closely. I could see the label from the shattered jar that was splintered out in hundreds of pieces across my new purple and red Mowhawk Berger carpet. "It wasn't even organic applesauce!" I cried. The anger gripped me like a vice. (Shazza)

As I bent to clean up the rest of the applesauce and shards of glass, the real poor little Jerry scurried atop my left foot, as I looked deeply into his eyes, I wondered who was the poor deceased interloper I'd so recently and ceremoniously flushed down the toilet? And how did the decendent get into my house? Needing a plastic bag with which to remediate the balance of the sinister applesaucian disaster and carnage, I unpacked the treats from the PetCo bag and noticed both the treats and the bag had been gnawed. Hmmm, had I inadvertantly shoplifted a pet from PetCo? Heaven knows it would not be the first time! (Sharkb)

I'm tagging SassafrasMama.

05 December 2007

Licensure?

The lege has it on the agenda to discuss licensing of massage therapi. One could save a lot of blood, sweat and heavy legislative lifting if one would examine some of the circumstances at the place where the the massage is taking place many will make it rather obvious if you're dealing with trained therapi or hos.

1. If the masseuse does the massage in high heels, probably a ho.

2. Does the masseuse have a serious manicure with blood red claws? Ho.

3. Is there bleach solution dripping off the ceiling? Ho!

4. Does the massage therapi look like she stole her forearms from Pop-eye? Therapist, not a ho.

Hello Rotator Cuff

In the technical language of the body worker to which I've grown accustomed, my rotator cuff is f*&#ed up. Ok, to be really technical, I've got tendonitus in the supraspinatus tendon and lateral scapular attachments of the teres major and minor and latissimus dorsi are inflamed. But really my rotator cuff is effed up. So the torturers (I have 2, Dr P the Chiropractor and J the trainer) have me on a program to uneff it up. You wouldn't call it strenuous but I'm not travelling far without ice today.

04 December 2007

My Adventures in Cable

My cable TV service has been sporadically out since the 2nd Thursday in November. Channels 30 through 68 are simply gone, which of course, is my standard viewing fare - The Weather Channel, News12 NJ, ESPN, YES and yeah, Lifetime, wanna make something of that one? Ironically enough I have channel 69, and then 70 through 90 gone.

I have called no less than 15 times and been told it was a problem with a channel migration, that lasts 3 weeks? Are you freakin' kiddin' me? Finally, on Saturday when I let rip with my frustrations, they deemed it appropriate to send a technician out. Well, bring it on, so the tech is scheduled to arrive sometime between 7 and 9am, well, sporty, you've got 46 minutes and then I've got things to do.

But I do see a bill that had better have one hankin' big credit on it.

01 December 2007

All This Because of a Whipped Cream Obsession?

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth.
You are overpowering and dominant - and that's what people like about you.
You bring energy and a new direction to most interactions.
People crave you in a serious way. You're that important to them.

Those who like you give into their impulses.
You don't represent reason. You represent pure temptation.
People get addicted to you rather easily.
You offer people a dark side that is very hard to resist.

30 November 2007

Wardrobe Relativism

In a recent conversation with my friend S, we happened upon the topic of business casual. In her world, which is necessarily more formal than my world, business casual is casual clothing appropriate for business. In my world, business casual simply means your business is covered up, and when people come to work with their business showing we send people home.

29 November 2007

Hi My Name is Sharkb and...

I am apparently addicted to memes.

1. What is your occupation? Evil Minion, Financial Services. Often enabler of abject incompetence

> 2. What color are your socks right now? white socklets

> 3 . What are you listening to right now? S 'splaining something to IL while keeping a straight face. I'd not be able to do it.

> 4. What was the last thing you ate? veggie sausage and cheese on english muffin (yes, it cooks, too)

> 5. Can you drive a stick shift? probably, haven't done it in years though.

> 6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? deep dark blue

> 7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sister M.

> 8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of course.

> 9. Favorite drink? Water, despite the rumor that fish both fuck and shit in it.

> 10. Favorite sport to watch? Rodeo, football.

> 11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Have you ever seen me with my 80% grey hair showing, no, I don't think so. So yes, of course I do.

> 12. Pets? cats X3 Sharkbutt, Stripe J and Puppy D. (yes, the D stands for dog.)

> 13. Favorite food? Tortilla soup, cheese enchiladas, meatballs, Tomorrow who knows? not liver.

> 14. What was the last movie you watched: One of the Harry Potters I think.

> 15. What do you do to vent anger? Lift very heavy weights. Wale on an 80lb punching bag, speak very quietly, deliberately and menacingly.

> 16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Kelly the cat.

> 17. What is your favorite, spring summer winter or fall? fall

> 18. Hugs or kisses? Kisses first but I like Both

> 19. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries

20. Educational background? I spent 17 years in Catholic schools. It has put a warp in my topspin, 'nuff said.


> 21. Living arrangements? Me and the 3 cats. A plethora of imaginary friends.

> 22. When was the last time you cried? Sharkb does not cry, she snots.

> 23. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, meditation cushion, likely a cat or 2.


> 24. Favorite smells? Cookies baking or garlic simmering, muffin

> 25. What inspires you? more often then I like rage.

> 26. What are you afraid of? being mindless, my temper, losing my mindlet it's too young to be out on its own.

> 27. Number of keys on your key ring? 2 on one, 11 on the other.

> 28. How many years at your current job? 23 years, 2 months 6 days but who's counting?

> 29. Favorite day of the week? Any day I get to see the sassy one

> 30. How many states have you lived in? 2 not including confusion and inebriation.

> 31. Favorite Holiday? Thanksgiving and Halloween.

> 32. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? No, but I've tossed full grown human beings 20 feet.

27 November 2007

Cuz We Have Not Had a Meme In a While...

Fictional character you'd most like to have dinner with?
Roz, the tender oozing blossom from Monsters Inc. I often like to channel her as a manager.

Historical figures you'd most like to have dinner with?
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Whoopi Goldberg, Venerable Tenzin Gephel,

When did you realize you were an adult?
Who you calling an adult, wench? Much earlier on than I actually, physically was an adult, but I internalized that I was somewhere around 40.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Grown up, shapely of buttocks, striped. I want to massage babies, massaging adults is fine, but can be tough on the thumbs

This was short and sweet, I'm tagging Sassafras Mama, Shazza and Sharkbutt

24 November 2007

And Yes, As a Matter of Fact

It still does smell like excessive smudging has gone on here. A combination of burnt, rope and scorched pine. Really bring sone into the autumnal campfire spirit in some exceedingly deranged way.

20 November 2007

Adventures in Smudging

Periodically, I fire up the smudging stick and send a little burnt sage and burnt cedar into the universe that is my house. To clear the energy and attract positive energy into the place, and that's a happy thing. Yesterday the sage burnt a little long, ok a lot long, if it burns long enough to trip the smoke alarm it's too long. So my house and I still smell as if we've had a rough week at the hashish parlor.

19 November 2007

Thanksgiving

Gratitude is quite underrated and since Thanksgiving is upcoming, it's good for me to reflect upon that for which I am grateful.

My health and the health of my family and friends.
Work that is way more entertaining than is imaginable.
Cats that are way more entertaining than is imaginable.

More later.

16 November 2007

HMMM

The randori portion of this blog means to embrace chaos, and in the main I believe I do. But this was one of those days where the chaos that is work walked up to me and bitchslapped me right across the chops. I spent much of the morning and early after noon looking for 856.81 in 5.9 billion dollars, and compulsive wench that I am I found it. All the while answering the same goddamned dumb questions I answered yesterday. And yes, for the same person.

13 November 2007

Oh What Fun!

My dentist has a new hygienist, I learned this from my sister who has had a visit with said hygienist and swore, "if she tells me to open big one more time, I'm gonna crack her." So I'm so not excited at the prospect of breaking in a new hygienist, I'd been working with J the former, and we'd reached rapproachment on several subjects such as the liberal use of topical anesthetic, digging whilst cleaning the teeth is fine but once you've poked me in my liver, appendix or frontal lobe it's time to back the fuck off, and I mean now. To say that I was not confident that that information had been adequately noted and explained in my chart is perhaps, an understatement.

So A comes out and introduces herself to me and apologizes for the tardiness. I said we need to reach an understanding here, you know you're not going to hurt me or we will have issues. Big, big issues. So she probed gently at first and then less so, until I pointed out that you've got my appendix on the end of your spear there, Toots and need to back off. She finished someone gingerly though not so much so that I failed to feel her probing upside my frontal lobe. But all in all I'd say it was reasonably successful.

11 November 2007

Intact

I have this side gig as a massage therapist and my main requirements of myself are that I'm not possessing an infectious disease (crazy is genetic not infectious) and the skin of my hands and forearms be intact. Well, we've met the former of the criteria today but not the latter. As I fished in drawer for a potholder last night, I scraped the middle finger of my right hand upside a pretty damn sharp knife. Not pretty. And the Nuskin is not keeping it together well enough that we can call it intact, but I am rather high on the fumes so I suppose it's all good.

09 November 2007

Inane Cubed

You may or may not know that I help my kitten Sharkbutt write a blog. It's called Advice From a Shark - http://www.sharkbutt.blogspot.com. And as inane as my ramblings here in my own blog are, they become cubed, possibly even quadrupled when I help Sharkbutt with his advice giving, observations on life its ownself etc. Today's entry paraphrased a question that I've been asked by coworkers more than once in the 20 exceedingly odd years I've been at my job. The question, not one of those life changing existential ones, not at all. But the age old 'why do farts stink?'

08 November 2007

So

Work is a rare delight of fucking moron. The powers that be spent several million bucks on a client contact management system, and nothing on training people to use it. So for my dirty dozen, I'm the trainer. It's rather scary that I'm turned lose on this training business, because my ability to describe what one should be doing in short sentences is pretty damn good, but my ability to do it without using some quite profane language is a whole 'nother story.

07 November 2007

Siiiiiigh!

My hair was about 80% grey at my visit to G the magician. G the magician is a hair stylist and a color genius, which is why I persist in the beauty marathon every 6 weeks. G will ask, what are we doing? I will respond, let's shave it and see how it looks when the grey grows out. G will respond, let's not and just say we did. Me: A'ight, the usual then, unless we can get by with just doing roots. We can seldom get by with just doing roots. So 4 hours later, I've had color, (lather, rinse repeat, condition, rinse repeat) foils (lather rinse repeat again, condition, rinse repeat again) then cut. My hair tends to grow out rather than long so there's a lot of chopping to thin it out that occurs. Then G will carefully blow it out and style it to the point of distraction.

My own styling of my coif consists of the following, wash, rinse, condition, rinse and on Tuesdays I comb it. High maintenance, I ain't.

06 November 2007

Election Day

There is a movement afoot called GRIP - get rid of incumbent politicians. And while I can certainly relate to the sentiment, there are some quite decent incumbents. Whatever you're feeling about any of them, just make sure to vote.

05 November 2007

Who Knew?

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors.
You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself.
Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming.
Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships.

Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

Tag, I'm It!

My friend Shazza at http://randomthoughtsandactsofstupidty.blogspot.com/ has tagged me with a meme, 10 random things about myself. Good gravy, I'm so random it alarms even me.

1. Right handed but left footed.
2. I have 6 tattoos.
3. One way in which I keep myself entertained is to make up my own lyrics to popular songs and even for obscure songs. And I do a rendition of a lullaby that is both educational and stimulating... the lyric is Whaddya gonna get if you eat raw pork? Trichinosis (which when pronounced tricky noses with a gentle grab to the baby's nose generally gets a laugh from said baby)
4. I've worn bifocals since I was 19. (ok, yeah when I can find them)
5. It's currently 41 degrees outside and I've still got windows open and the heat off.
6. Spent 17 years in Catholic schools, 'splains a lot, doesn't it?
7. One of the most worthwhile things I've done in my life was spend a week at Buddha camp, another one was to teach my nieces how to play talking clothes rack. "Put the yellow back, it brings out the red in your eyes."
8. Yes, I so do feel the energy at vortexes.
9. I love flamingos. Love 'em. Live, plastic, it doesn't matter, I just love 'em.
10. Doing yoga gives me gas, but I still do it.

I tag the actual SassafrasMama and the actual Sharkbutt.

04 November 2007

F&^$ing Cats

By way of disclaimer, I love my cats, unconditionally. All that being said, when I discovered the dumped over litter box this morning I was ready to shred the little farts. Occasionally, a turd will get kicked out onto the carpet but this was a fully upended box of stank. And of course, I discovered it when I was on my way out to do a massage this morning. Evil hell cats.

03 November 2007

Loose Cat

No, not one of mine, one of the neighbors has a charcoal grey guy on the loose. He's often on the loose and it makes Stripe nuts. He's racing up the stairs and down to keep an eye on the interloper. Puppy reigns from her perch on the back of the love seat and really does not appear to give a hot damn. Sharkbutt remains in his new customary spot on the grounding pad on the bed. Me, I'm sitting on my shapely ass, watching the weather channel, waiting for the arrival of this nor'easter rain that's predicted as a result of the remnants Hurricane Noel. It's windy, it's cloudy but it's not raining and that's not a bad thing.

02 November 2007

Surprise!

When I roll in from work, I'm usually laden with the basics, lunch sack, armload of mail, to-go mug, gps, cell phone and whatever other accoutrement traveled with me to the 7 letter word for hell (Trenton). So with full arms I stroll to put my stuff away, or at least down before I make the arrival head call. As I bent over to place the mug down I noticed that I'd placed my boot in puke. And as I've been wearing hiking boots almost exclusively since my return from Sedona last month, I had treads full of hurl. Joy. So before throwing together some supper, my trusty plastic knife and I went to town and the treads of hurl. And not surprisingly I did not feel much like supper.

01 November 2007

Epithets I've Used More Than Once Today

Yellow bellied doucherocket
Semi literate single toothed jackass
Fuck wit.

Nice language from a buddhist, huh?

Getting Old is Hell

I've been having an issue or two with my left shoulder. Getting my arm over my head is a red hot mess and hurts like hell so I just don't do it. But having mentioned it to my trusted chiropractor (who is the best on the planet) she seemed to think that it would be better to investigate what was going on and devise a way to remedy it. So first she engaged in neurological and functional testing (or eliminating the possibility of someone actually having gotten on my last nerve and fucking it up). So neurologically I'm intact (yay!) but my left shoulder blade doesn't move when I move my arm which jacks the head of my humerus into the joint socket and tends to cram the soft tissue structures together and cause pain. Apparently, this requires that the musculature of my lower rotator cuff and lower trapezius has to get cracking and pull this puppy down on the rib cage and out the way. Currently, I'm on two exercises to facilitate this change and of course I've over done them and now my upper back/shoulder hurts. Which simply means that it's time to bust out the ice.

And I'm guessing this is due to my unfortunate preference to sleep on my left side. Damn it. I'm barely trainable when I'm awake and alert, forget when I'm asleep.

30 October 2007

Epithets I have used More Than Once Today

Fucking moron
Quasi-literate sparrow fart
Living Proof that Evil and Moronic Can Peacefully Coexist
Fucking Idiot
Raving Douchebag
World's Only Living Brain Donor
Fucking Loon
Fartface

24 October 2007

Observation

If you've spent any kind of time in my presence it may become rather obvious to you, kind of quick like that I don't spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, or a mirror, any mirror. It is simply not high on my list of things to do with my eyeballs. But there are times when I just happen to find myself in front of a mirror. Mainly that'd be when washing my hands, (my mother's a nurse so the practice has been ingrained rather vividly) and when brushing my teeth. So I'm brushing my teeth last week and notce that the left side of my face is twitching, gently. This was Friday, it dissipated over the weekend but has cropped right back up this week. I'm somewhat less then entertained by it but it does make a good conversation piece sometimes. I don't feel like I'm grasping at straws when I note the correlation between the number of sentences I utter where every second word is f#*k and the speed with which my face is twitching.

20 October 2007

Stuff

Nothing quite like having the trucks engine decarbonized to put some pep back into the V6. Huge difference and no longer do we strain at 80mph.

Stripe is sitting up in the middle of the couch looking shockingly like Al Bundy from Married With Children except instead of having his hand down his nonexistent pants he was licking his penis. So sweet.

Don't know if it's a sign of my advanced age or what but lately when I've been shaving my legs I'm cutting myself. It's very attractive. I'd not drawn blood on myself in years and this is like the 10th time in a row. Disturbing.

18 October 2007

Truck Follies

So I took my beloved truck in for an oil change on Monday, and as always they promptly changed my oil and sent me on my way. And I ran some errands and the check engine light went on, so I went back. And they ran the diagnostic and changed the spark plugs, wires and fuel filter, then they sent me on my way. So I drove up to visit a friend and on my way home, check engine light came on again. So I brought it back the next day after work, and they gave me a lovely loaner - very swift. Some of the possibilities were kind of dire - needing a new engine, which I did not. Thankfully. This truck has 194,000 miles on it so it's just getting broken in and I really want it for at least another 100,000 miles. Which will take another couple of years.

14 October 2007

'Tude

I'm a New Jersey native and aside from the four years that I spent in Scranton, PA getting edumacated, I've lived here my entire life. And that's really not any of your business, but more than 30 years is all you need to know. So I'm quite familiar with attitude, shade, 'tude, mouth etc. Although, I will confess that it is taking me some getting used to the tone that my GPS device takes when I deviate from the proscribed route. The first statement of 'recalculating' somewhat nasal but machinelike as expected. By the second or third time, there is a distinct disdain to the tone. And by the fourth and fifth, it's almost a whine. Like the 'would you please make up your mind' from the lady selling lottery tickets at the cigar store.

And oddly, this is even since I've switched from the dulcet tones of American English Jill to Australian English Karen...

Ru'roh

There are some new cats in the 'hood and they're allowed to skulk about said 'hood. Whilst my cats are understandably fascinated by the snacks - a/k/a birds, squirrels and bunnies that gambol and cavort on the the lawn, their hackles are raised beyond the vertical by the presence of these feline interlopers. Stripe's nose is bleeding slightly from his attempt to race through the screen door to eat the visiting grey cat. Puppy, oddly because she's the only female amongst the cat life has the deepest growl of anyone. Possibly, including me. Pleased, she's not. As this cat has long been chased and she's still growling, oh, at the boys - Stripe and the Shark. So way not pleased.

11 October 2007

Land of the Red Rocks




Have I mentioned that I love Sedona? Love it. Love the air, love the altitude, love the hiking. Love it. Now, for me a week was plenty, 10 days might have been a bit better but the week was good.

09 October 2007

Random Thoughts on Returning From Sedona

The following exchange took place when I rented my car in Phoenix.

Enterprise dude: Are you taking the car out of the country?
me: No, just up to Sedona
E.D.: Oh up to Sedona, I hear aliens land there and kidnap people.
me: Yeah, they do, but they've learned their lesson about taking people visiting from NJ. We just take over, that's how I ended up Queen of Jupiter.


Whilst moseying up the Interstate from Phoenix to Sedona, I notice that when I take the diversions advised by the Enterprise dude that the GPS unit takes a tone with me when she says 'Recalculating'. Bitch.

Whilst hiking around Airport Mesa in Sedona, (home of one of the masculine energy vortexes) a thunderstorm commenced which is the universe's way of saying bitch, get off of my vortex.

08 October 2007

Her Wish is My Command

I was tagged for this meme by the enchanting Sassafras Mama at sassafrasmama.blogspot.com.

1) What I was doing ten years ago:
Ten years ago I was still awash in the maelstrom that was my life, pre Reiki, pre therapy. And it really wasn't pretty. Trust me on this one. If you knew me then, you've seen the changes, if you didn't you're better off.

2)What I was doing 5 years ago:
It started for me 7 years ago, in 2000 in was in gradual school (a/k/a graduate school) pursuing loosely a MPA with an emphasis on employee welfare and benefit programs.... and I said fuck it and dropped out. ...and decided that I wanted to go to massage school. And in June 2001, I started my studies in massage which led to my studies of Reiki, which essentially led to a several year long comprehensive study of Me, the Experiment in Crazed... So essentially 5 years ago I decided to change my life from the inside out and I have. Luckily for me.

3) What I was doing 1 year ago:
Still working on the experiment in crazed that is my life, I tried dating again for the first time in ages and ages. (I'd been in hermit mode for the better part of the last 17 years) And I met a most intriguing woman, a single mama, originally hailing from California. And yes, this woman would be the aforementioned Sassafras Mama.

4) Yesterday - at 445 AM I departed Sedona AZ, to drive to Phoenix to fly home to NJ, a/k/a the motherland. Usually I depart Sedona with mixed feelings and did so again. But only slightly, I was glad to be returning to NJ, but left with the knowledge that it's just a 5 hour flight to return. I returned to a warm(ish) greeting from the cats.

5) 5 Snacks I enjoy. Damn, only 5? Jalapeno cheddar chips, cheese, jalapeno smoked almonds, although, not in cereal. Watermelon - I can eat mass quantities of watermelon. Chocolate.

6) 5 Things I would do if I suddenly had $100 million: Pay off some mortgages for some folks, endow Namgyal Monastery with some scratch to build a Central Jersey meditation temple/monastery etc. Endow UMDNJ to have a branch of the Touch Research Institute here and give me a job massaging babies.

7)5 locations I would like to run away to: Maui, Sedona, Disney World, San Francisco, the jetty at Allenhurst (which if you're looking for me makes me pretty easy to find)

8) 5 bad habits I have: could stand to be more selective in my use of profanity, cereal as a side dish (often with chicken), lack o' mindfulness especially with some of my more self destructive behaviors, slatternliness and absolving myself of control over certain situations in order to avoid responsibility for them.

9) 5 things I like doing: hiking, staying up late to read my book; working out; reading, making people laugh, napping

10.) 5 TV shows I like: House, The Daily Show, Designing Women, Baseball,

11.) 5 things I hate doing: the cat boxes, really that's about the some total of things I hate doing.

12.) 5 Biggest joys of the moment: cats, snacks, being me,

And I tag Sharkbutt.blogspot.com... because well I know it will be funny.

27 September 2007

Then Again

I sometimes get twisted up by mindfulness and my lack thereof, and then the even less mindful folk I'm often surrounded by, remind me that I'm not meant to get it all perfectly right. I just need to pay attention but if I pay too close attention I will lose my mind.

22 September 2007

Almonds 1 Mindfulness 0

I awoke without the usual 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, I've slept through 3 alarms and have to get my ass to work panic', and yeah, mainly because it is Saturday and I don't have to get my ass to work., and did not have any of the alarms set. I decide a health breakfast is in order so I fire up a pot of water in which I shall drop some steel cut oats. By then, the coffee is ready but all over the counter again because I failed AGAIN to place the pot with sufficient precision to prevent a repeat of that debacle. Once I have that cleaned up the oats are cooked. And because all the 'healthy eating' reading I do suggests that they are a fine source of essential fatty acids and protein, blah, blah, blah... I toss a handful of almonds into the oats, douse the mess with some vanilla soymilk. And sit down to have a taste. It's then that I realize that clever me has tossed a handful of BOLD Jalapeno Smoked almonds onto my oatmeal with vanilla soymilk. I cannot say that it was 'good eatin' mainly because a) it wasn't, although it did grow on me and b) there was no chicken involved and for me, 'good eatin' usually involves chicken.

One might have thought that after the great Blackberry in the toilet debacle from back in the Spring I might be a little more mindful in general. This would seem not to be the case.

17 September 2007

Back from The Vet

After weeks and weeks of me dreading it, the low maintenance cats (Puppy and the Sharkbutt) and I were off to the vet this afternoon. Puppy is at least 11 or 12, as she was 2 or 3 when she got me and we've been together 9 years. Sharkbutt is 3. This years previous adventure with the vet involved a trip to the cat ER with Stripe and resulted in a 5 day hospital stay. So, how happy was I to trap the cats in their respective crates with no blood shed? Oh hell, how happy was I not to be outwitted by Puppy as I have been for the past three attempts at vet visits? Way, way happy and that the whole trip, shots and all cost me less than $140 is just extra deluxe!

Puppy is, not surprisingly hiding out and Sharkbutt is mildly irked and Stripe is just about dancing around that he didn't find his stripey ass in a crate.

16 September 2007

Bulletproof

I'm inclined to the Enell Line of sports bra, I like to refer to them as bullet proof. It's not entirely because of the 18 hooks in the front or that once ensconced in the cups the puppies don't move. But it is a combination of those things among a generally quality of construction that makes the twins feel pretty invulnerable.

14 September 2007

Ambition

I have never considered myself to be excessively ambitious, or even mildly ambitious. Then again, if one’s driving need is to be avoid being noticed by and therefore hit by the nuns, one might term it more of a survival instinct rather than an ambition. But, alas, as I do so often, I digress.

This brings me to my current whim, as queen of Jupiter, I find myself, not surprisingly up to my ass in syncophants and toadies and really what I need is minions, not necessarily evil ones, at least not evil all the time. And come to think of it I would make a really good minion. Both understanding the undesirability of syncophants, as well as having intimate knowledge of the whole ‘heavy the head that wears the crown’ thing. And varied dilemmas that face a leader. So my current whim is that I would make a really good minion. I’m too much of a smart ass to make a good syncophant or toadie, too much of an independent thinker with too much initiative to make a good flunky. So yeah, Sharkb, the evil minion, I love it.

10 September 2007

Arrggghhh!

Was sent to mandatory training today. This was approximately 2 months after I had to participate in mandatory system testing. And how might one test a computer system without a)having been trained or b)have the system be relatively intuitive (and as it turned out impossible for me to break - which has not happened before, breaking stuff is one of my best things, but I digress) So does this sound assbackward to you? Yes, to me too. And I was in the class with a lot of the dumb kids.

We're using what is essentially a relational database with ability to send email and correspondence. It ain't brain surgery by any stretch of the imagination. And while the database is searching, it greys out. So this one rocket scientist, says ooooh, I've still got a grey box. I'd shut my filters off so out of my mouth pops, "sounds like a personal problem to me.", in my Irish stage whisper, and people fell out. I was asked to leave class and that made me exceedingly happy.

08 September 2007

Fresh Hell

As is not uncommon in my home, which is dominated by the presence of three of the best cats ever. (ok, I lie but 2 of them are looking over my shoulder and I'm deeply afraid they can read) I awoke to the dulcet tones of a cat vomiting. Wasn't sure specifically where on the second floor this might have been taking place, so I vaulted out of bed (ok, again I lie, this was more of a crept out gingerly kind of deal) and as is my habit after quaffing the collection of pre-breakfast pills I seek out my Crocs and aha! I find the vomit, squished in between me toes. A plethora of choice epithets escaped my lips and I headed for the bathroom where I dispatched the vomick into the local sewerage system, feeling strangely grateful that I did not have to bust out the carpet cleaner.

07 September 2007

Strolling

The mothership and I took a stroll on one of the local boardwalks yesterday. She allowed as how she thought that boardwalk was a mile long, 'but we're moving slowly here, we've been walking for almost an hour and half and it should not take that long to walk 2 miles.' Well, lemme tell you this about that. This particular boardwalk is 2.5 miles long so we walked 5 miles in well under 2 hours. As I have one speed in my personal transmission and that speed is a saunter, and not a particularly brisk saunter this was pretty entertaining to me.

In chatting with the mothership, I was suprised to learn that she and the fathership have of late been frequenting Hooters, despite being offended by the charges for celery that appear on the lunch check. Who knew?

04 September 2007

Z and the Dancing Toilets

My sister was visiting the parental units with her family over the weekend. So I got to spend some time with each of her kids, including but not limited to my nephew Z. Z is in possession of one vivid imagination. He was explaining to me that he had a nightmare about dancing toilets that had him quite scared until his sister M came into his dream and told the toilets in no uncertain terms to go away and not come back. M has that kind of presence, if I were a dancing toilet I'd run screaming from the room.

01 September 2007

Labor Day Weekend

While many mourn the end of summer, I will be celebrating the freeing of the beaches. And no, I'm not the enemy of those who are often referred to pejoratively in this neck of the woods as Bennies. I am referring to the charging of beach fees and more specifically the termination of that practice as of Tuesday 4 September.

Coin of the Realm

Fairly religiously I administer Petromalt (a/k/a cat yak stuff) to the wild life and niavely I believe that will deliver me from the evil of cats vomiting. As I get older and wiser, I realize that vomit is coin of the realm for cats and a chief means of communication of displeasure. Yuck!

Then there's the whole cognitive dissonance created by the enthusiasm with which they lick their nether regions and then attempt to lick me.

28 August 2007

Fluency

While I am quite fluent in English, having spoken it all my life, I consider my native tongue to be Douchebag. Douchebag is a lot like English yet far more profane. Even when the preface douchebag is unuttered it is implied and at work it seldom remains unuttered these days.

My career in profanity began at the ripe old age at 5, when at the supper table, I asked my grandfather to pass the motherfucking ketchup. Not realizing at the time that it was the granddaddy of all profanity, of course. The mothership and fathership carefully explained to me that this was not acceptable language for a young lady to use. I've seldom gone a day without using some variation on it since.

26 August 2007

Oh Fuckity Doo Dah

I tend to like thinking of myself as an astute sort, and I know full damn well that the descaling and cleaning of the coffee pot should be done with white vinegar. Alas, Rachel Ray, I ain't so there was none in the house and I thought red wine vinegar with a couple of extra rinses would be fine. And it probably would have been but I used red wine vinegar with garlic. If hell had a flavor, viennese with cinnamon coffee, red wine vinegar, garlic, half and half and honey would about cover it. It will likely be branded Satan's flavor of the month.

Toenails

The cats actively resist any kind of toe nail maintenance so I usually content myself with clipping 1 or 2 nails at a time whilst the cat in question is perched on my lap for general adoration and such. Today, I got all 20 of Puppy D's toes. This is most unusual, I've not ever gotten all 20 of hers in one session before. Not sure if it's because she's getting older and slightly less spry or because of the position I had her in. Hmmmm. Will have to try a similar position on the spry birthday boy. The Sharkbutt is 3 today. He still doesn't look like a grown up cat, looks pretty kitteny, he does.

24 August 2007

Land of the half assed fuck wit

Often in the arcane and inane world of gubmint, decisions are made with such a collossal lack of judgement or even obvious thought that the stupidity demonstrated is almost mystical. Yes, there is a level of stupid that is so stupid it is transcendant and mystical. A perfect storm of stupid, born of arrogance, ignorance and an absolute inability to consider that someone who spends most of her day close to the action and actually managing the action might know better.

I've long maintained that an employer does not really have the ability to make someone care about their job. Go through the motions in order to get paid, sure. But care, really care, nope. But they can make you stop caring. I have begun to approach that point and it ain't pretty.

I've learned to accept a certain level of stupidity and ignorance but once that level is exceeded, my usual levels of relative equanimity fade away and I morph into the crazed loon that I was before I attained the wisdom of 40 and Buddha camp. That crazed loon can actually use 15 or more variations on the word fuck in one 18 word sentence. That crazed loon will also commence the rant by issuing the suggestion to pull one's head out of one's ass preferably one ear at a time to facilitate a less painful and hopefully swifter evacuation of the rectum. A certain amount of raving pertinent to the subject at hand and to close with the always articulate fuck 'em the fucking idiot fuck. After all that energy has been expelled, I give far less of a fuck than I did before and that's the bad news. If I disengage my attention from what I do it won't be pretty. But could be funny. Stay tuned.

23 August 2007

Observation 2

I'm what some folks call a person of size, but my current physician and I concur that I'm fat and not getting any damned younger. So as it has been a work in progress for quite some time, I've been engaging my inner gym rat. I notice that compared to some of the 'skinny' folk at the gym my fat is hard. This makes me smirk. A lot.

Observation

By way of deep background, I don't engage in a lot of mirror time, never did much of it, don't do much of it now, as a rule. So that I happened to engage in some mug beating this morning is a bit unusual. And mostly it had something to do with getting moisturizer out of my eye. I noticed more lines around my eyes than I used to have and I have to say I kind of like them, though I'm not quite sure why. I think it might have something to do with my sister always having said "I know you're full of shit, your eyes are smiling." So the lines put me in mind that my eyes have been doing a good bit of smiling of late and that's not always been my way.

And God isn't that the biggest glass half full pile of mess I've ever managed to write?

17 August 2007

What I Bring to The Party

A friend asked me what I thought I brought to the friendship, once upon a time. It was a question that gave me pause for a good while. Until it occurred to me the big thing that I bring to the party is that I know I'm crazy. And I try not to make excuses for it and I try really hard to give my friends room for their own brand of crazy. And it's all good.

24 July 2007

Thoughts on 46

I have spent 23 years of the 46 working at the same place. 15 at the same job.
Spent 21 years, 10 months of it sober.

And had a deluxe birthday courtesy of my dear friends S and, also known as High IQ Temptress Girl and Pirate Boy Slim.

Updated note: as I'm an accountant and all it occurs to me that having 21 years, 10 months out of 46 years sober might indicate that I took up my drinking career at birth rather than at 15.

22 July 2007

Harry Potter

The latest Harry Potter was in my mailbox upon my return from points north last night. The hype and allure of the 3 lbs of literary frolic was quite compelling, and I know me so in order that I be awake for work this morning I read the last 100 pages first, then the first 100 pages. Now I'm confused about what the hell is going on, but I do know how it ends. And I ain't telling.

17 July 2007

The Squish

Every year for more years than I care to count, I dutifully take the girls (a/k/a the twins, the boobages) for the squish. My first squish was memorable for two reasons, 1- the technician's head did not come up as high as my breasts and so to hoist the either of the girls onto the appropriate spot on the machine required her to execute what looked essentially a two handed overhead slam dunk with the one or the other as the basketball, ok more like a softball but you get the idea. Needless to say, I was hysterical with laughter because I'd not ever before or since seen my breast at so unique an angle, not to mentioned handled in such a fashion by a perfect stranger whilst I was sober but I digress. So I'm in this state of hysterical laughter and of course, one need be stock still for the xray. And of course, once they put the machine into that very special mode known as FLATTEN IT! the laughter ceased, nor did it return for any of the remainder of the mammography as Lefty required a total of 8 trips through the wringer. Lefty has a lot of calcium deposits,as I used to fight, a lot.

I now go to a specialty breast center ( or as I like to call it, All Breasts All the Time) and I know the drill, as do the girls, who trembled in fear within the comforting confines of my bullet proof sports bra, at least until it was time to put on the robe. FYI - when you go for a mammogram the usual instruction is strip from the waist up, put on the robe. And as I'm a girl who shops in the Vast sector of most major department stores, most off the shelf robes don't fit me, happily this one did, but again I digress. So the drill: whip off the robe (most places will just let you whip one twin out at a time if you're a modest kind of gal (but I like to show off my ink), step to the machine, follow the instructions of the technician. And you want to follow the instructions of the technician because she's got your boobage in her hands and is placing it on the plate where it will transform in shape. Well, BJ, the technician directed me ably and the communication flowed admirably until such time as she had my breast pancaked in the machine, my arm draped around the machinery and my chin(s) tilted up, out of the way of the xray. The resulting muscular tautness ran from my hamstrings (which cramped, I hate that)to my skull and rendered me pretty close to speechless, aside from an occasional muttering of son of a bitch. And then she had the unmitigated gall to say relax. I howled with laughter, loudly. as this was among the most absurd things I've ever heard in my young queer life and mind you I work for the government. Probably would have laughed up a lung had it not been ably trapped in the fucking machine. To add to the indignity, somehow my nipple had managed to curl beneath my breast in fear, so we had to reshoot that mammary portrait. This involves decompressing the breast, having this perfect stranger rearrange it and squish the living shit out of it again. I finally mentioned usually before my boobs are handled thusly we'd have had dinner.

Happily, the doc had good news for me. Perfectly normal. Which I absolutely prefer to the more clinical, unremarkable. Hell, that these boobages are not down around my knees is pretty damned remarkable.

So, if you find yourself 35 or older. Cowgirl up and get it done.

24 June 2007

I am a sentimental jackass from hell

Today is the 9th anniversary of Puppy the cat having adopted me. She was a grown cat at the time so I'm not sure of her age or date of birth but I am sure of what day she came home with me. So for the sentimental jackass part, to celebrate I ventured to Wegman's for a half pound of tuna (yellowfin, $21.99 lb. But it gets worse, I fire up the charcoal grill wait for the coals to become grey and hot for searing (but not too much because the cats don't like it) and grilled the tuna, sprayed with PAM for the grill but otherwise as is. No garlic, no lemon, no pepper no nothing. When it was done, I split it and seasoned mine and we sang happy birthday to Puppy(ok, so I sang and the other 2 just looked) and chowed on grilled tuna fish. It was lovely but I am a sentimental ass.

23 June 2007

Biography

For various reasons, lately in my professional life there have emerged requests for me to provide a biography. This is usually lackluster and so damnably dull I fall asleep writing it, but hey I'm an accountant so how much WOW! can one reasonably expect.

So here's the one I want to write,

A burly, yet sultry, surly mass of contradictions Sharkb has been occupying herself with paying work for more years that she cares to recall. Chief among the requirements of paying work would be that if it's not entertaining it must take place in silence. Hence, she often finds herself inviting people to help themselves to a hot steaming mug of shut the fuck up. She often entertains herself by baying at the moon, speaking with dogs, cats and fish, also dancing with her brassiere on her head (as a result of that her breasts are no longer amused with her). As a presenter she's highly entertaining and humorous but will lose her train of thought in a heartbeat.

14 June 2007

So Crazy Doesn't Always Look or Smell Crazy

Among my very closest friends, I count a number of people who are inordinately sane and kind. All have different ways of coping with stress, but they all seem to cope quite well, so obviously resiliency is among their noteworthy traits. I am around a fairly large collection of people at work some who are friends, many who are not, many of whome are suffering from a bad case of the JFN's (which is DSM-V code for just fucking nuts - the only DSM code anyone will ever need). Somedays it's absolutely amazing how crazy some of the people are. I used to think that my employer held job fairs up at the Psych Hospital and recruited from bedside to deskside without passing go or parties involved necessarily getting therapy or treatment of any kind. Today has found me rethinking that theory, I was observing a fairly lively conversation regarding one coworker's vacation schedule and her boss, in his frustration, asked "don't any of you take vacation in the winter?" And no, they don't. Perhaps rather than being recruited out of the psych hospital which would still explain alot, the recruiting effort concentrates on off season out of work carnies as these folks are for sure an intinerant lot of colorful characters, in the main blessed with loud, booming voices and a steady amount of engaging patter which doesn't seem insane except in retrospect. So, yeah we recruit carnies. It explains a lot.

02 June 2007

Observations from Work

It would appear from the contents of the toilets at work that a coworker is strengthening her nethers by carrying coinage in them (or it). Several of the toilets are beginning to look like coin strewn fountains. And I can tell that we who utilize the women's rest facility are all glancing at each other warily, thinking so what kind of freaky shit can you do with your whup now that you're using it as a change purse? Can you make change with it or is this just some kinked up version of a Kegel exercise? Should I ever in life ask for change of a dollar at work again? AND........... If you're keeping your coins in your whatsis, just where are you keeping your dollars?

22 May 2007

Hmmmm

My friend J and I were chatting via email and she asked me what animal does she bring to mind. Hers is a very leonine energy, coupled with a hawkish awareness and vigilance. So I said a lion hawk if there was such an animal. When I asked her what she thought I might embody, she said a wolf. Because, I'm a loner when I choose to be, social when I choose to be and mysterious. I can work with that.

14 May 2007

An Adventure

My friend J and I had planned a mission to shop for some crystals for energy enhancement and protection purposes. The energy in typical "New Age" shops frequently sends me for a spin so I tend to avoid them. There is a great rockshop out in the wilds of PA that I'de previously visited with a friend. J and I set out for points west at about 10. Got where we were going at nearly 1130. And well, they're not open on Mondays. So we set off East again thinking we'd travel to New Hope and check out one of the New Agey places there. I missed an exit sign so we wound up in Center City Philadelphia. At the zoo, and it was awesome. I do love a zoo. Saw flamingos, elephants, tigers, lions, bears, pumas, penguins and other wild life.

01 May 2007

Isn't It Rich?

When things are going especially stupidly at work I will frequently burst into song. The beauty of this is I’m quite tone deaf (pronounced deef in my fluent Jerseyese), the result of which is that everything pretty much sounds sea shantyish ala the Sponge Bob theme song. So, as may have become obvious from previous reading, I work for the government (pronounced gubmint – and in gubmint words like pronounced are convoluted into pronunciated, but I digress) so frequently what does transpire here is escalating stupidity. So the song of choice is often “Send in the Clowns”, because really nothing else fits quite so well.

29 April 2007

It's going to get a little graphic here

Got home at midnight on Friday, noticed a missive from the IRS in the mail, the were merely explaining that my serial killer like handwriting precluded them from reading my banking info to direct deposit my refund. If you've got to get mail from the IRS or the initials as I fondly refer to them, that's the kind to get.

So after feeding the cats, and getting ready for bed, within 5 minutes of being in bed, got up to hurl. And felt rather crappy (not literally thankfully) for the rest of the night. Got up the next morning, tried a cracker and coughed that back up. Joy.

I hate stomach virii. Alot.

23 April 2007

Unique Expertise

The mothership phoned me today. She was in need of expert advice about how long after the expiration date on the yogurt can one safely eat the yogurt. As I've been researching this very subject for most of my adult life, I can report the following = technically yogurt is not likely to go bad, it already is 'bad'. I've eaten yogurt that was one year past the date and no harm came to me. Although apparently my eyesight is questionable as I coulda sworn it said December 2005 not December 2004. Occasionally, if I have packed a yogurt in my lunch that's a bit well-aged, I will call the consumer advisory line on the container. That's often a hoot, more than once I've driven a frustrated consumer service rep to say "Look lady, if you're waiting for me to tell you it's okay to eat a 6 month old yogurt, it's just not gonna happen.' Call me silly, but that warms my evil little heart every time.

Do not under any circumstances ingest green/blue/pink moldy yogurt and eat it within the expiration date for your optimal enjoyment.

Playin' Hooky

The weather is delightful and work was quiet and stupid today so I ventured up to see the boss and asked him if I could take the afternoon off. He said sure. So I went to the beach, it's about 15 degrees cooler there and quite breezy. Then I went to the gym and did 2 hours of frolic. Now that it's shorts weather, one sees sights at the gym that one need not see. Fortunately, most folks run to baggy shorts, but very occasionally a guy will be wearing a pair of shorts that suffer from cheap hotel syndrome - No Ballroom. And said balls will make a break for it. Not for the faint of heart.

19 April 2007

Another Reminder About Attachment

I had another object lesson in attachment recently. About 6 weeks ago I treated myself to the high tech bauble that is the Blackberry Pearl. It’s sleek, gets email and phone calls, plays mp3’s, and is a pda attached. And I quickly filled it up with the myriad mundane yet utterly necessary details of my life, including my exercise routines, my datebook, my phonebook and the all important keeping track of the money I squander. After all, the Pearl is what is euphemistically known as a smart phone. It is deluxe. It is not, however, immersible, let alone submersible.

I found this out the hard way when after excreting some of the coffee I ingested Sunday morning, I stood up to hear the tell-tale plop of something of substance falling out of the pocket into the toilet. The red LED blinked at me most ominously as I attempted to rapidly dry the Pearl. No joy. It no longer functioned and the red LED blinked its last in what I am now certain was Morse code for I’m drowning. Sigh…I had an appointment near the land of the mall and set out for it. After the appointment, I ventured to the mall, with my previously functioning Pearl and my old cell phone. Figuring I needed something of a cell phone ilk, with the weather and so forth. Got the old phone up and running, became well acquainted the fine fine folk at Asurion, the cell phone insurers, who are replacing the Crackberry even as we speak.

Then as news of the flooding from the storm, and the tragedy at VA TECH came up, I’m once again reminded of the fragility of the really important things in life, not just the baubles.

14 April 2007

Juicing And Nudity

Damn that sounds nearly pornographic, anyway, I was making beet juice this morning. And beet juice makes for all red all the time all over the place. So I stripped down and of course, the doorbell rings. I must confess to being tempted to answer the door in the state of undress in which I found myself. Even went so far as to peer out the peephole but alas whomever it was, was travelling with small children so I refrained.

05 April 2007

Panties

Hmmm, that got your attention. Didn't it?

I'm a functional kind of gal when it comes to me undies. I want the twins to stay where I put 'em and I want my drawers to cover both my business and my butt. I tend to wear black panties, with a rare foray into athletic grey. Once upon a time, a friend waxed so eloquently rhapsodic about the erotic nature of wearing a thong that she talked me into purchasing and wearing one, I can only conclude that either I was wearing it wrong or she's full of shit.

So as happens with most rejected undies that are still somewhat presentable, as presentable as underpants ever are anyway, I recently used it as a face mask whilst cleaning out the cat box. As invariably can be counted upon to happen in such a circumstance (because in addition to sporting the thong as a face mask, I'm clad in sportsbra, tattoos and rubber gloves, oh and sweatpants) the doorbell rings with what I presumed to be local Jehovah's but were, in fact, candidates for the boro council. 'Cuz that's the way my dumb luck runs.

03 April 2007

Work

They say distance lends perspective, but sometimes it's difficult to gain perspective on one's work life when change is incremental (when it's not decremental) and one is spending a whole lot of time beating one's head against the wall because it feels so damned good when I stop.

25 March 2007

Computers

Wireless networking should be idiot proof for an ably accomplished idiot such as my self and my even more ably accomplished idiot friend but nooooooooooooooooooooooo..... Goddamn router.

27 February 2007

My Buddy Ack

My buddy Ack is 7, he has a very organic kind of wisdom. I was hanging out with he and his 2 older sisters who are fairly literal minded down to earth gals when he says, I'm going to read a story with my eyes closed. His sisters told him no, you can't do that. His reply "watch and learn." and he proceeded to tell a story with his eyes closed, it was a good one, Ack's stories are always imaginative and funny and he's quite a character. And I will carry his reply with me for the next time someone tells me I can't do something, or when I start to tell me I can't do something.

Watch and learn!

26 February 2007

Overheard at Work

Spokesmodel - Did you see that Dollar Tree across the bridge has Victoria Pannie?
Evil - What are you talkin' about?
Me - Who the hell is Victoria Pannie?
S - You know, pannies from Victoria?
E - Your ass ain't flat what are you going to do with panties from Victoria's Secret?

25 February 2007

The Oscars

I don't normally watch the Oscars but I'm up and Sharkbutt is appearing to be no longer nauseous and sitting on my lap. There is something sweet about the way he rubs his head around my hands getting all the pets he can.

Damn Cat

I was out and about today, did my customary Sunday morning massages and then moseyed on up to visit with my friend S. When I returned home the Stripe and the Shark presented themselves for pets and a visit, and I happened to notice the Shark had been scratched on his nose. Clever girl that I am, I went looking for some neosporin for his scratch. Found the Neosporin, put it on his nose and he proceeded to lick it off, we knew this would happen but then he hurled, on my shirt. Y to the u to the c to the k. YUCK! With a capital yuh. Damn cat.

22 February 2007

Cats

I periodically sit and observe my cats. I notice that the Shark likes to growl at his toys, Puppy likes to growl at Shark and Stripe. And if Stripe's growling he probably has to go to the vet, because more likely than not, he can't pee.

Work...

I don't just overhear stupid shit at work sometimes it's uttered directly to my face. My second career is as a massage therapist so for that and other reasons my forearms are somewhat sizeable. So one of my work friends, blew into my office for a visit and said "Popeye called, he wants his forearms back." When I was in massage school someone asked me if I could squeeze open his can of spinach. I said no, but I can squeeze your neck until your eyes leave your skull. So, what in hell was the point of all this? Oh, I have mellowed a great deal in my 40's, this is not a bad thing. And work is stupid some days.

09 February 2007

Dipshits on the Phone

Some genius called up this week and yelled at me extensively because he shredded his check. I finally said stop yelling at me like I'm the dumbass that put my check through the shredder.

I typically pick up the phone and snarl payroll and genius 1 says is this the credit union? No. says I.

Genius 2 says, may I speak to Ginger? I said no, does this sound like a titty bar to you?

04 February 2007

Somethings Just Escape Me

Saw the mothership today, and the sister (and the fathership but he's not germane to this part of the story) I met them in the parking lot near where my sister lives and both of them are wearing flip flops. It's 11 degrees outside, their feet were looking extra blue. So we go to leave my sisters house and they're still wearing flip flops because they had pedicures and don't want to mess their toes up. I'm thinking frostbite and gangrene is apt to fuck your toes up more than putting a sock on fresh polish. But what do I know?

03 February 2007

Youth, Skill, Old Age, Treachery and Knees

As I have no doubt prattled on about previously in this blog, I study the martial art Aikido, I had to take a break from it because I managed to get tendonitis in my patellar tendons. This is problematic in Aikido for 2 reasons, first of all getting ones ass up off the mat after one has been tossed to the mat requires quadricep strength and knee extension. Second of all, Aikido features suwari waza, or technique done from kneeling. Yep, even on my knees I'm dangerous. So I'd not return to Aikido even as my knees started to get better and I miss it. So I called and spoke to one of the sempai down there (sempai are senior students) and said that I'm going to have to give up suwari waza and was delighted to learn that this would not be a problem.

So I've got my gi in the laundry and my hakama folded and ready to roll. My weapons are bagged and ready to travel. Yeeha.

02 February 2007

Overheard at Work

One of the women with whom I work, T, a/k/a the spokesmodel, dates a farmer in North Carolina, she travels to visit him fairly regularly and has become well acquainted with the farm and the farm animals. Anyway she was repeating a phone call she'd received the previous evening which she was recounting to another co-worker IL.

T - You know Jimmy's goat.
IL - The one you like?
T - Yeah.
IL - I know about it.
T - did I tell you it has pinkeye? and he's afraid it will infect the rest of the herd. I'm going to visit them, do you think I can get pink eye from the goat.
IL - I don't know.

You will notice that the question is not asked by IL - what in hell are you doing with the goat that you'd catch pink eye from it?

Concerning catching pink eye from the goat, apparently one can catch chlamydia from goat pink eye. (and how in hell would you manage that?) And you can catch mycoplasma pink eye - these would be small parasites that apparently feed on eye gook. Nasty!

Needless to say, if Terry comes back from NC with pink eye, she need not come to work until it's gone.

31 January 2007

How I spend my Wednesday Nights part 2

Todays adventure included the magical rubber bands and ankle weights attached to my hooves. Somewhere in there we tried to get my heel to touch my butt and it doesn't, and I'm guessing it won't. Then we did bench presses alternating with close grip lat pulldowns. Oh and I got to play catch with a medicine ball while doing crunches.

Good times.

Somedays

I swear this job is stealing IQ points from me. I listened to a conversation today about facial wrinkles and the types of unguents on the market to fight wrinkles. T has quite a wrinkle between her eyes, and has tried masking it with makeup, a la spackle, she's also tried a facial product that she was allergic to, then someone offered her butt lift cream. So we shall see if butt lift cream helps her face at all and if it does, I'll try it myself.

30 January 2007

Things about cats

1. Awakening to the dulcet tones of a cat puking.
2. Having to chase the recently puking cat so he or she does not get his face in my cereal.
3. Awakening to the dulcet tones of cats fighting.
4. Trying to hear a phone conversation over a cat fight.
5. Stepping in fresh, hot cat hurl
6. Stepping in stale, cold cat hurl.
7. Cleaning out the cat box. 'nuf said.
8. Smelling the wet cat food.
9. Being awakened by a cat stomping on my bladder.
10. Cat farts.

25 January 2007

Ritual

I must pack up my black suit, black shoes and traipse to a funeral later. My father's brother died (didn't we do this already? yes, but that was the oldest one.) He was my godfather and that makes for an interesting relationship. Not good, not bad just interesting. Can't say I ever went to him for spiritual guidance but when I saw him in August we bonded over our great affection for Sedona.

I'm resistant to attend this one, but I will because I can't quite imagine what it's like to lose all your siblings within a 3 month stretch. I know that would send me way near the edge, hell, it would send me way near the edge to lose one of them.

This will be, not surprisingly for this crowd, a funeral mass - Catholic. And there's to be an commitment ceremony (for his cremains, we're not mixing rituals here) but I'm going to miss that and just be there for the mass a/k/a church. If it takes place in a church - I just call it church or if it's annoying to me church fucking church. There was a time when I thought I wanted to be a nun. Brief time, because well there's the whole sex thing, and the whole Catholic thing. Overtime the Catholic thing lapsed to the point where I took vows as a Buddhist. Vows that include one about engaging in responsible sexual behavior. But hey, that works for me. Swearing it off entirely would not.

So I start off talking about a dirt nap and end with sex. Kind of the reverse of how it works for us getting here, huh?

When someone passes, Buddhists will pray and offer sacrifices (water, incense, flowers, fruit) for an easy Bardo, transition into the next phase, whatever phase that might be. And so I have offered the prayers and so forth and hopefully the Bardo will be easy for him. But I know the transition into life without B will be in many ways harder for those he left behind so I offer prayers and good energy for them too.

Happy trails, B.

24 January 2007

J the Torturer or How I Spend Wednesday Night

I've worked with peronal trainers intermittently over the past 15 years. But about 2 years ago I found a world class trainer known as JTT (or J the torturer). We do some fun stuff. Todays adventure involved tug o' war between J, a giant rubber band and my butt, not for the faint of heart. Also, a collection of 3 giant rubber bands clipped to a manacle on my leg. We also do stretches and different kinds of upper body work.

21 January 2007

The Wonders of Biology

There are certain biochemical phenomena that have been taking place within me monthly since I was 12. And to not put too fine a point on it I get nuts, stark staring, jumping out of my skin nuts and then in the hours leading up to the big event I find that I'm exhausted. As in, I could sleep standing up or while giving a massage (I've done it.)

I'm just curious as to if I'm exhausted from the energy devoted to being nuts whilst trying not to let it show, or if I'm just exhausted.

20 January 2007

Hmm, wonder if I can patent this

If you've read other posts it will not surprise you to know that I have cats, 3 of them and just dropped a bundle on the artist known as Big Stripey. So in my infinitely twisted sense of balance and the rightness of things, I've decided that the four of us need to exercise. My latest exercise kick is a Latin Dance DVD by the good folk at Crunch Fitness. To involve the wildlife in this I've taken to fixing a stringed toy to my belt so it dangles and they can chase it. Yes, while I'm trying to figure out the difference between a samba step and a chacha. It keeps us all hopping and as we always said when I was growing up, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Grand

Both my grandfathers were born in January. One in 1892 and one in 1899. They each lived to ripe old ages - 103 and 96 respectively. They were such gentle souls and always over flowing with kindness toward me and my siblings and I still miss them a great deal even though they each delocalized over 10 years ago. I still think of them a great deal but especially in January, when we'd have celebrated their birthdays with dinner and cake and so forth.

My maternal grandfather had a deep rumbly voice but it was always gentle at least when directed at any of us. He was a great one for exercise so when we would visit we would go for walks to get the newspapers, mornings and afternoons. And should we encounter any dogs on the way he would give them a 'little woof-woof'. These would invariably be massive dogs, and they would respond with a woof woof right back and come over for a sniff and a scratch of the ears. And then my grand would laugh, then we'd be on to the next collection of dogs.

My paternal grandfather had a fairly soft voice, a quick wit and an intrinsic sense of the healing powers of chocolate. When he lived with us I spent a lot of time with him, probably because he never yelled. And I'm all about no yelling.

17 January 2007

More Overheard at Work

Oh fresh hell, for the last 10 minutes I’ve been listening to a blistering diatribe on the part of one of my staff that another of my staff (who, by the way was kind enough to bring in doughnuts yesterday) should have known that she likes a coconut doughnut, and not a crème doughnut as D was led to believe. I’m all for stating a preference, but let it go, just let it go. Now, two others are being dragged into the fray. This is turning into a epic discussion, both long and inane. Somedays supervising this crew reminds me of being the oldest of 4, except in this instance I am younger than all but one of the characters involved in the discussion.

Another interesting aspect of the day, had one of this collection of characters hand me a pension check and say this needs to be reversed, this person is deadmentation. Hmmm, there's not much that cannot be effectively characterized by throwing the suffix mentation on it.

Oh and of course, I had one of those phone calls that started with I spoke to you last Monday (well, you didn't because I wasn't in), do you remember me? (from the approximately 400 people I speak to on the phone a week? uh, no.) You were gonna send me a check (wait, like I do for 50,000 other people, how about a name babe?) Mary Smith (may I have your retirement number?) What's that? (how about your social security number?) I don't have that with me. (I only have 400 Mary Smiths) Oh, honey I don't know. (don't honey me, fool. where did you retire from?) GE. (this is government, if you did not work for a governmental agency, I cannot help you, bye, bye now)

15 January 2007

The Return of the Beast

Apparently, the beast returned from the hospital smelling of hospital so he had two days of the other cats snarling at him until I gave him a swipe with me bathtowel and now he smells like me. At least they're not snarling any more. They seem to be happy he's back.

14 January 2007

Homecoming

Stripe J is back! Yay!!!!! Thanks to S and JT who took me to fetch him and helped me spirit him and all his new food home. Aside from trips for a snack or to the box Stripe J has been occupying space within 6 inches of me since his return. He was apparently a very good boy at the hospital and everyone who knew of him spoke highly of him to me. And when his personality changed, they knew he was sick again.

To recap, Monday his urethra blocked and he was unable to pee and in pain. So at 1045pm I whisked him off to the cat er. They unblocked him and kept him for the night, with the plan being to run water in and out of his bladder through the 2nd catheter placed for him. (he chewed through cath#1) The catheter was removed after 24 hours and he reblocked shortly after that. So he was recathed, and that blocked and there was some talk of surgical interventions. Cystotomy to scrape the crystals causing the blockages out of his bladder and PU surgery which is from what I understand amputating part of his penis to widen the opening so he can pee more readily. Fortuitously, it never came to that and now he's on RX food to dissolve the crystals in his bladder. And there we are.

09 January 2007

Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit

Stripe J was quite scarce yesterday and I thought not a lot of it. Until I went looking for him at bedtime and heard him essentially scream in pain. So I grabbed a crate, grabbed him and off we went to the cat ER again. And as it turns out he was blocked and could not pee and was in pretty tough shape. They had to catheterize him. And he pulled it out so they had to catheterize him again. So now he pees and since he's feeling better, he's turned into his love sponge self and apparently was concerning himself with being pet and held. So hopefully he'll get out of stir tomorrow and we'll make another set of dietary adjustments.

06 January 2007

Hey Aaaaaaabbottttttttttttttttttt

Yes, a facetious reference to the famed Abbott and Costello. The parental units and the sister are travelling this weekend. They are currently visiting a museum and the parents have misplaced the sister and are now in the gift shop. (BTW the sister will never see 30 again, just so we're clear on the players.) I know all this because the mothership phoned me and asked me to call the child's Blackberry to relay the gift shop locale because she cannot raise the child on her cell phone and doesn't have the crackberry phone number. I tell her I don't have the phone number either I will email her. So I do that and I text her, for good measure. She texts me back and when I go to phone the mothership to relay that the prodigal has been found, her phone is off.

03 January 2007

I Missed Some Intense Ritual in the 'hood

They buried President Ford today and at the army base across the street from my house they performed a 50 gun salute at 5pm and a 21 gun salute at noon. Or so I'm told and so the stuff that fell off the walls tells me.

Fun.

Vomick!

There are certain things that one can count on to be true in life, where there’s smoke there’s fire, where there’s cabbage, there’s likely to be flatulence and where there’s cats, there’s hurl.

I step in puke fairly often as I have 3 cats and 2 of them vomit with seemingly very little impetus. Now Sharkbutt has joined the party since I step in a fresh, hot spot of hurl this morning. It was a bonding moment for us. Well, not really but there was a dance on my part and I sang the son of a bitch song.

01 January 2007

Gratitude

All through my Reiki training, the Reiki masters I trained with were very careful and consistent to remind us to be grateful... to the universe for the lessons it brings to us, to the friends we have that teach us and nurture us, for the people who irk the living shit out of us and the lessons they bring, and to ourselves for being open to the experiences, realizing the learning opportunities.

So thank you and thank me.

Happy New Year!

May all beings know happiness and the source of happiness.
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May all beings never be parted from the happiness that has no suffering.
May all beings abide in equanimity without attachment or aversion to near or far.

Watching Someone Else's Trainwreck

I'm watching Glen Beck interview Danny Bonaduce and they're talking about what a trainwreck of substance abuse Bonaduce's life has been. I'd seen parts of this interview one time previously. Apparently, there was a reality show Breaking Bonaduce made of it. I've done the trainwreck thing, although I really only did about 6 years of it before I decided to stop. And aside from alcohol did not encounter any substances worth abusing, the happy news there of course, being had I enjoyed any of my encounters with any other substances I'd be dead or heaven forbid have killed someone else.

Beck asks Bonaduce if he'd want his daughter to marry someone like him, and he said no, but that it's a step up because there was a time when he didn't want his daughter raised by someone like him. That struck me because as I worked through all my shit, I thought I would be an absolutely incompetent parent. And now, I realize I'd likely be able to do it well from a place of a certain amount of semi-enlightenment.