Enough Already

I have been coughing up a lung for the better part of the last 10 days. And loath as I am to venture into a doc's office with the other germ spreaders (actually started into the doc in the box the other night but someone was vomicking into a waste can and I said to myself, "self, this here hack is not so bad", so I kept right on stepping.) Anyway, I hadn't previously realized that the antihistamines I take to keep the everyday allergens at bay (ya know, like the 3 cats) actually dry matters out so that I end up with this persistent evil cough. So, I've knocked off the friggin' antihistamines and the cough is dissipating finally. Yay!

The Adventure That Is My Day Job

In addition to the kinds of year end stuff that one does when one is queen of payroll, I'm currently involved in system testing web applications that we are rolling out to the constituency soon. So the system testing is occuring in my spare time, and there is not much of it.

In addition to all the silliness, the USPS is on an absolute tear about address integrity and have thus far returned about 20K (or 17%) of the documents we sent out for 1 December. So people are kind of irate at us because the USPS is not delivering their mail. And it's my problem to solve, because in addition to my special powers of omniscience, bilocations and mind reading I'm also in charge of the United States Postal Service North East Operation. So.... way.... not.....! But try telling the clients that.

So that's my story. The good news, is that they spell my name write on my direct deposit and they get it into my account.

Practical Aspects of Buddhism

There is great emphasis on mindfulness in Buddhism, and whilst there is a certain amount of spiritual uplift intended from the practice of being mindful, there is also a pragmatic aspect of it. To wit, when I pay fucking attention I do not end up with Dinosaur Barbeque's Cajun Spice rub in my oatmeal.

So basically what all the Buddhism teachers have been speaking of all these years are the same things that the Catholic nuns with whom I spent my youth, essentially "Sharkb, pull your head out of your ass, would you?"

Christmas Meme

Christmas Meme

I found this meme on Shazza's blog and thought I would play along too!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both - I am exquisitely disorganized. So sometimes it's neither.

2. Real tree or artificial? I love the scent of a real tree, but I have evil cats and oh yeah I'm Buddhist. So there is a fake palm tree up all year in my house and it's usually festooned with prayer flags and decorations of a flamingo-y ilk.


3. When do you put up the tree? It's been up since July 2004.

4. When do you take the tree down? I don't

5. Do you like eggnog? I used to back when I enjoyed a cocktail

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A bat.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, unless I regifted it.

8. Hardest person to buy for? The parental units.

9. Easiest person to buy for? the cats. oh, they're not people to everyone. My sister M, she gives very explicit instructions.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I usually send out Losar cards (Tibetan New Year) and not just because it gives me until February.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a fifth of really good scotch, the December after I got sober. Took me a long time to give that away.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch That Stole Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? It depends. I sometimes buy Christmas gifts when I travel if I find unique things. I seldom complete my shopping before 12-27.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, I've done it.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Chocolate
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like color

17. Favorite Christmas song? As I was gainfully employed as an assistant to a church organist during some of my time in Scranton, I am rather enamored of the old churchy favorites especially O' Come Emmanuel.


17b. Christmas Song That, When You Hear It, Makes Your Eyes Bleed And Your Brains Start To Leak Out Your Ears, Because That Is Less Painful Than Having To Listen To That *&%^&$# Song One More Time! Anything in the vein of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" (obnoxious!) or Dominic the fucking Donkey

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I don't cook so often rely on the kindness of family or friends.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeers? Santa has reincows not reindeer and they're named Trixie, Bubbles, Boom Boom, Busty,
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Nada

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Generally morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Traffic

24. Favorite Christmas Tradition? Making a special breakfast for the catz.

25. Outdoor decorations? All pink flamingos all the time.
If you want to play! Please do!

James Lipton/Bernard Piveau Questionaire

On the Actor's Studio, James Lipton asks each of the guests the following questions, he attributes them to Bernard Piveau. It's unlikely that I will ever answer them on the Actor's Studio, but I will answer them here.

What is your favorite word? Naked!
What is your least favorite word? Phlegm
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Engagement of a creative, spiritual, emotional or intellectual ilk.
What turns you off? A lack of respect
What is your favorite curse word? Sparrow fart chicken fucker
What sound or noise do you love? laughter, heavy breathing, applause
What sound or noise do you hate? gas (abdominal) igniting
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? baby whisperer
What profession would you not like to do? undertaker
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? 'sup, home slice

If you've read this, and find it interesting enough to do yourself then tag you're it.

Isn't It Rich?

Yes, that is the opening line from send in the clowns... and because I'm writing about the latest adventure in "Ethics" from my employer, well, doesn't it just fit? The quick and dirty here is that because all manner of people benefit from egregious acts of fraud and dirty dealing in gubmint, the minions are hosed. To wit: the employer leases space in a building on the main drag o' gubmint in this state (and yes, right in one, the state is confusion) and we've occupied this building for nearly 20 years. For many of the 20 years, the building management has hosted a holiday soiree of sorts, some years a cocktail party after work, more recently a breakfast before work. And previously the minion occupants have been able to go without any conflama. However, this years breakfast is scheduled for next week and the ethics gurus have determined that as public employees we are unable to attend. This is of course, absurd. Had we had any influence on the leasing of this space we would have insisted that the restrooms are cleaned, well stocked with toilet paper and paper towels and cleaned. Like daily, using actual cleaning products. And we'd have leased space in a building where the extremely scary restrooms vent to the outside. Because a floor full of 100 minions, who had the bean burrito special is simply methane hell with ventilation, without it is where brimstone goes to die.

I've already informed my boss, if he thinks I'm putting my girlish body between my staff and free bacon he is out of his cotton picking mind.

Tell Me A Story

Tell me a story please....

Okay, so Fran tagged DCup who then tagged Wyldth1ng, who in turn tagged The Village Carpenter who knew that she could tag me, with an unusual story-building "meme" that was started by Splotchy who wrote...Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out. So I was tagged by Shazza and we're off on this story rampage.

________________________________________________________________
I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIam)



I stood for a moment considering what all this meant. Oh, I knew what it meant, I didn’t need to waste time thinking about it. He was back. And he was mad.I ran down the hallway and flung open the door at the end. I was immediately hit with a blast of cold. I took a step back as I tried to catch my breath. I bent over, hands on my knees panting. He always had this remarkable effect on me. After so much time, it no longer scared me, but it was a shock nonetheless……“You know,” I panted, “There’s no need to break things to get myattention.” (DCup)


I woke up hungry. I rolled out of bed smacking my alarm clock that was singing Carly Simon and thinking to myself I have to stop eating pizza right before bed and then sleeping till noon. I must remember to change that station to something that will actually wake me.
Stubbing my toe on my boots on my way to the kitchen, I glanced sideways down the hall and caught the dead body out of the corner of my eye. (Wyldth1ng)


I rubbed my eyes, not wanting to believe them, looked again, and then sprang headlong into the living room. Oh God, no! I dropped to my knees, hot tears erupting and blurring my vision. NO!!! In the name of all that is good and right, why him? Why HIM?!
It was Jerry. My pet cockroach. Somehow, he'd gotten loose from the little flat I'd made for him and was...what? Seeking adventure? Overtaken by wanderlust? I glanced over at his little apartment. His tiny divan with the embroidered "J" sitting empty, his six little booties all lined up under his chiffarobe. Oh, his feet must cold. I touched them, ever so gently. What's this? Do I detect a hint of warmth? My heart leapt, I dropped lower, pressing my mouth to his and breathing two little puffs of air. Pulling back, I gently pushed 1, 2, 3.....30 times on his minute chest. More air, more pushing. To no avail. It was too late. Too late for my little Jerry. I sat back, exhausted, still weeping, licked my lips and tasted....tasted....applesauce? (The Village Carpenter)



I immediately knew poor little Jerry was the victim of foul play - he's allergic to applesauce. I was going to find the bastard that lured Jerry in with it's creamy sweetness knowing that he would gorge himself, as it was his only weakness.

I scooped up ol' Jerry in my hands, gave him one last little kiss good bye and then flushed him down the toilet. "Good by ol' buddy...I will miss you. You were one in a million." I walked across the room to get my bright orange Crocs (yeah, they are ugly, but boy are they comfortable). As I padded across the floor my foot stepped on something sharp. Glass! "Where did this come from?" I wondered as I picked up a shard and examined it closely. I could see the label from the shattered jar that was splintered out in hundreds of pieces across my new purple and red Mowhawk Berger carpet. "It wasn't even organic applesauce!" I cried. The anger gripped me like a vice. (Shazza)

As I bent to clean up the rest of the applesauce and shards of glass, the real poor little Jerry scurried atop my left foot, as I looked deeply into his eyes, I wondered who was the poor deceased interloper I'd so recently and ceremoniously flushed down the toilet? And how did the decendent get into my house? Needing a plastic bag with which to remediate the balance of the sinister applesaucian disaster and carnage, I unpacked the treats from the PetCo bag and noticed both the treats and the bag had been gnawed. Hmmm, had I inadvertantly shoplifted a pet from PetCo? Heaven knows it would not be the first time! (Sharkb)

I'm tagging SassafrasMama.

Licensure?

The lege has it on the agenda to discuss licensing of massage therapi. One could save a lot of blood, sweat and heavy legislative lifting if one would examine some of the circumstances at the place where the the massage is taking place many will make it rather obvious if you're dealing with trained therapi or hos.

1. If the masseuse does the massage in high heels, probably a ho.

2. Does the masseuse have a serious manicure with blood red claws? Ho.

3. Is there bleach solution dripping off the ceiling? Ho!

4. Does the massage therapi look like she stole her forearms from Pop-eye? Therapist, not a ho.

Hello Rotator Cuff

In the technical language of the body worker to which I've grown accustomed, my rotator cuff is f*&#ed up. Ok, to be really technical, I've got tendonitus in the supraspinatus tendon and lateral scapular attachments of the teres major and minor and latissimus dorsi are inflamed. But really my rotator cuff is effed up. So the torturers (I have 2, Dr P the Chiropractor and J the trainer) have me on a program to uneff it up. You wouldn't call it strenuous but I'm not travelling far without ice today.

My Adventures in Cable

My cable TV service has been sporadically out since the 2nd Thursday in November. Channels 30 through 68 are simply gone, which of course, is my standard viewing fare - The Weather Channel, News12 NJ, ESPN, YES and yeah, Lifetime, wanna make something of that one? Ironically enough I have channel 69, and then 70 through 90 gone.

I have called no less than 15 times and been told it was a problem with a channel migration, that lasts 3 weeks? Are you freakin' kiddin' me? Finally, on Saturday when I let rip with my frustrations, they deemed it appropriate to send a technician out. Well, bring it on, so the tech is scheduled to arrive sometime between 7 and 9am, well, sporty, you've got 46 minutes and then I've got things to do.

But I do see a bill that had better have one hankin' big credit on it.

All This Because of a Whipped Cream Obsession?

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth. You are overpowering and dominant - and that's what people like about you. You bring energy and a new direction to most interactions. People crave you in a serious way. You're that important to them. Those who like you give into their impulses. You don't represent reason. You represent pure temptation. People get addicted to you rather easily. You offer people a dark side that is very hard to resist.

What Kind of Pie Are You?