My Buddy Ack

My buddy Ack is 7, he has a very organic kind of wisdom. I was hanging out with he and his 2 older sisters who are fairly literal minded down to earth gals when he says, I'm going to read a story with my eyes closed. His sisters told him no, you can't do that. His reply "watch and learn." and he proceeded to tell a story with his eyes closed, it was a good one, Ack's stories are always imaginative and funny and he's quite a character. And I will carry his reply with me for the next time someone tells me I can't do something, or when I start to tell me I can't do something.

Watch and learn!

Overheard at Work

Spokesmodel - Did you see that Dollar Tree across the bridge has Victoria Pannie?
Evil - What are you talkin' about?
Me - Who the hell is Victoria Pannie?
S - You know, pannies from Victoria?
E - Your ass ain't flat what are you going to do with panties from Victoria's Secret?

The Oscars

I don't normally watch the Oscars but I'm up and Sharkbutt is appearing to be no longer nauseous and sitting on my lap. There is something sweet about the way he rubs his head around my hands getting all the pets he can.

Damn Cat

I was out and about today, did my customary Sunday morning massages and then moseyed on up to visit with my friend S. When I returned home the Stripe and the Shark presented themselves for pets and a visit, and I happened to notice the Shark had been scratched on his nose. Clever girl that I am, I went looking for some neosporin for his scratch. Found the Neosporin, put it on his nose and he proceeded to lick it off, we knew this would happen but then he hurled, on my shirt. Y to the u to the c to the k. YUCK! With a capital yuh. Damn cat.

Cats

I periodically sit and observe my cats. I notice that the Shark likes to growl at his toys, Puppy likes to growl at Shark and Stripe. And if Stripe's growling he probably has to go to the vet, because more likely than not, he can't pee.

Work...

I don't just overhear stupid shit at work sometimes it's uttered directly to my face. My second career is as a massage therapist so for that and other reasons my forearms are somewhat sizeable. So one of my work friends, blew into my office for a visit and said "Popeye called, he wants his forearms back." When I was in massage school someone asked me if I could squeeze open his can of spinach. I said no, but I can squeeze your neck until your eyes leave your skull. So, what in hell was the point of all this? Oh, I have mellowed a great deal in my 40's, this is not a bad thing. And work is stupid some days.

Dipshits on the Phone

Some genius called up this week and yelled at me extensively because he shredded his check. I finally said stop yelling at me like I'm the dumbass that put my check through the shredder.

I typically pick up the phone and snarl payroll and genius 1 says is this the credit union? No. says I.

Genius 2 says, may I speak to Ginger? I said no, does this sound like a titty bar to you?

Somethings Just Escape Me

Saw the mothership today, and the sister (and the fathership but he's not germane to this part of the story) I met them in the parking lot near where my sister lives and both of them are wearing flip flops. It's 11 degrees outside, their feet were looking extra blue. So we go to leave my sisters house and they're still wearing flip flops because they had pedicures and don't want to mess their toes up. I'm thinking frostbite and gangrene is apt to fuck your toes up more than putting a sock on fresh polish. But what do I know?

Youth, Skill, Old Age, Treachery and Knees

As I have no doubt prattled on about previously in this blog, I study the martial art Aikido, I had to take a break from it because I managed to get tendonitis in my patellar tendons. This is problematic in Aikido for 2 reasons, first of all getting ones ass up off the mat after one has been tossed to the mat requires quadricep strength and knee extension. Second of all, Aikido features suwari waza, or technique done from kneeling. Yep, even on my knees I'm dangerous. So I'd not return to Aikido even as my knees started to get better and I miss it. So I called and spoke to one of the sempai down there (sempai are senior students) and said that I'm going to have to give up suwari waza and was delighted to learn that this would not be a problem.

So I've got my gi in the laundry and my hakama folded and ready to roll. My weapons are bagged and ready to travel. Yeeha.

Overheard at Work

One of the women with whom I work, T, a/k/a the spokesmodel, dates a farmer in North Carolina, she travels to visit him fairly regularly and has become well acquainted with the farm and the farm animals. Anyway she was repeating a phone call she'd received the previous evening which she was recounting to another co-worker IL.

T - You know Jimmy's goat.
IL - The one you like?
T - Yeah.
IL - I know about it.
T - did I tell you it has pinkeye? and he's afraid it will infect the rest of the herd. I'm going to visit them, do you think I can get pink eye from the goat.
IL - I don't know.

You will notice that the question is not asked by IL - what in hell are you doing with the goat that you'd catch pink eye from it?

Concerning catching pink eye from the goat, apparently one can catch chlamydia from goat pink eye. (and how in hell would you manage that?) And you can catch mycoplasma pink eye - these would be small parasites that apparently feed on eye gook. Nasty!

Needless to say, if Terry comes back from NC with pink eye, she need not come to work until it's gone.

How I spend my Wednesday Nights part 2

Todays adventure included the magical rubber bands and ankle weights attached to my hooves. Somewhere in there we tried to get my heel to touch my butt and it doesn't, and I'm guessing it won't. Then we did bench presses alternating with close grip lat pulldowns. Oh and I got to play catch with a medicine ball while doing crunches.

Good times.

Somedays

I swear this job is stealing IQ points from me. I listened to a conversation today about facial wrinkles and the types of unguents on the market to fight wrinkles. T has quite a wrinkle between her eyes, and has tried masking it with makeup, a la spackle, she's also tried a facial product that she was allergic to, then someone offered her butt lift cream. So we shall see if butt lift cream helps her face at all and if it does, I'll try it myself.

Things about cats

1. Awakening to the dulcet tones of a cat puking.
2. Having to chase the recently puking cat so he or she does not get his face in my cereal.
3. Awakening to the dulcet tones of cats fighting.
4. Trying to hear a phone conversation over a cat fight.
5. Stepping in fresh, hot cat hurl
6. Stepping in stale, cold cat hurl.
7. Cleaning out the cat box. 'nuf said.
8. Smelling the wet cat food.
9. Being awakened by a cat stomping on my bladder.
10. Cat farts.

Ritual

I must pack up my black suit, black shoes and traipse to a funeral later. My father's brother died (didn't we do this already? yes, but that was the oldest one.) He was my godfather and that makes for an interesting relationship. Not good, not bad just interesting. Can't say I ever went to him for spiritual guidance but when I saw him in August we bonded over our great affection for Sedona.

I'm resistant to attend this one, but I will because I can't quite imagine what it's like to lose all your siblings within a 3 month stretch. I know that would send me way near the edge, hell, it would send me way near the edge to lose one of them.

This will be, not surprisingly for this crowd, a funeral mass - Catholic. And there's to be an commitment ceremony (for his cremains, we're not mixing rituals here) but I'm going to miss that and just be there for the mass a/k/a church. If it takes place in a church - I just call it church or if it's annoying to me church fucking church. There was a time when I thought I wanted to be a nun. Brief time, because well there's the whole sex thing, and the whole Catholic thing. Overtime the Catholic thing lapsed to the point where I took vows as a Buddhist. Vows that include one about engaging in responsible sexual behavior. But hey, that works for me. Swearing it off entirely would not.

So I start off talking about a dirt nap and end with sex. Kind of the reverse of how it works for us getting here, huh?

When someone passes, Buddhists will pray and offer sacrifices (water, incense, flowers, fruit) for an easy Bardo, transition into the next phase, whatever phase that might be. And so I have offered the prayers and so forth and hopefully the Bardo will be easy for him. But I know the transition into life without B will be in many ways harder for those he left behind so I offer prayers and good energy for them too.

Happy trails, B.

J the Torturer or How I Spend Wednesday Night

I've worked with peronal trainers intermittently over the past 15 years. But about 2 years ago I found a world class trainer known as JTT (or J the torturer). We do some fun stuff. Todays adventure involved tug o' war between J, a giant rubber band and my butt, not for the faint of heart. Also, a collection of 3 giant rubber bands clipped to a manacle on my leg. We also do stretches and different kinds of upper body work.

The Wonders of Biology

There are certain biochemical phenomena that have been taking place within me monthly since I was 12. And to not put too fine a point on it I get nuts, stark staring, jumping out of my skin nuts and then in the hours leading up to the big event I find that I'm exhausted. As in, I could sleep standing up or while giving a massage (I've done it.)

I'm just curious as to if I'm exhausted from the energy devoted to being nuts whilst trying not to let it show, or if I'm just exhausted.

Hmm, wonder if I can patent this

If you've read other posts it will not surprise you to know that I have cats, 3 of them and just dropped a bundle on the artist known as Big Stripey. So in my infinitely twisted sense of balance and the rightness of things, I've decided that the four of us need to exercise. My latest exercise kick is a Latin Dance DVD by the good folk at Crunch Fitness. To involve the wildlife in this I've taken to fixing a stringed toy to my belt so it dangles and they can chase it. Yes, while I'm trying to figure out the difference between a samba step and a chacha. It keeps us all hopping and as we always said when I was growing up, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Grand

Both my grandfathers were born in January. One in 1892 and one in 1899. They each lived to ripe old ages - 103 and 96 respectively. They were such gentle souls and always over flowing with kindness toward me and my siblings and I still miss them a great deal even though they each delocalized over 10 years ago. I still think of them a great deal but especially in January, when we'd have celebrated their birthdays with dinner and cake and so forth.

My maternal grandfather had a deep rumbly voice but it was always gentle at least when directed at any of us. He was a great one for exercise so when we would visit we would go for walks to get the newspapers, mornings and afternoons. And should we encounter any dogs on the way he would give them a 'little woof-woof'. These would invariably be massive dogs, and they would respond with a woof woof right back and come over for a sniff and a scratch of the ears. And then my grand would laugh, then we'd be on to the next collection of dogs.

My paternal grandfather had a fairly soft voice, a quick wit and an intrinsic sense of the healing powers of chocolate. When he lived with us I spent a lot of time with him, probably because he never yelled. And I'm all about no yelling.

More Overheard at Work

Oh fresh hell, for the last 10 minutes I’ve been listening to a blistering diatribe on the part of one of my staff that another of my staff (who, by the way was kind enough to bring in doughnuts yesterday) should have known that she likes a coconut doughnut, and not a crème doughnut as D was led to believe. I’m all for stating a preference, but let it go, just let it go. Now, two others are being dragged into the fray. This is turning into a epic discussion, both long and inane. Somedays supervising this crew reminds me of being the oldest of 4, except in this instance I am younger than all but one of the characters involved in the discussion.

Another interesting aspect of the day, had one of this collection of characters hand me a pension check and say this needs to be reversed, this person is deadmentation. Hmmm, there's not much that cannot be effectively characterized by throwing the suffix mentation on it.

Oh and of course, I had one of those phone calls that started with I spoke to you last Monday (well, you didn't because I wasn't in), do you remember me? (from the approximately 400 people I speak to on the phone a week? uh, no.) You were gonna send me a check (wait, like I do for 50,000 other people, how about a name babe?) Mary Smith (may I have your retirement number?) What's that? (how about your social security number?) I don't have that with me. (I only have 400 Mary Smiths) Oh, honey I don't know. (don't honey me, fool. where did you retire from?) GE. (this is government, if you did not work for a governmental agency, I cannot help you, bye, bye now)

The Return of the Beast

Apparently, the beast returned from the hospital smelling of hospital so he had two days of the other cats snarling at him until I gave him a swipe with me bathtowel and now he smells like me. At least they're not snarling any more. They seem to be happy he's back.