31 August 2006

Magnetism

I harbor no doubts that legions of mental health professionals have devised all manner of clinical guidelines for dealing with those unfortunate souls suffering from schizophrenia. And someday I may break down and research same, but today is not that day. Having had more up close and personal experience with schizophrenics than most commencing from a very tender age, I offer the following suggestions:

When they yell at you, do not yell back, do not respond in anyway, just get to steppin’.

Do not ever touch them while they are yelling at you or are otherwise agitated.

Do not ever, ever fuck with their foil wrappers. This, by the way, is one way to discern them from someone who might simply suffer from road rage. You don’t see a lot of road ragers with the foil hats.

I inquired of a friend what it might be about me that would attract schizophrenics to my energy, she indicated it would be my butt. Which would be covered in foil, and worshipped. I suppose all the while, folks would be awaiting instructions to emanate from same or wait for the Jiffy Pop to be done.

30 August 2006

Too much time on my hands or perhaps my butt

A very brief portion of my work day was spent involved in a big butt contest. My competitive inner jackass will compete in anything, even something I have no prayer of winning. I did win the width aspect of the contest,but failed in the balance the cup on the booty shelf test. There must be exercises I can do for this.

29 August 2006

Grooming

I took a brief nap after work this evening. I get up before dawn and sometimes I need to snag some zzzz's before starting the evening. So, I'm napping away and wake up to tugging at my hair, I was being groomed by Stripe the cat and Sharkbutt the catlet. Then, they start to fight and gnaw at each others throats (the g in gnaw is not silent in this case). Stripe being 9 lbs heavier then Sharkbutt is beating the snot out of him. Upon breaking up the fight, I wound check everyone, not a mark on the Shark, Stripe was bleeding. Yikes.

Siblings

I was recently accused of having invented an entirely inappropriate game for my sister's daughters. The game - Naked Flying, Flaming Barbie. It consists of taping a sparkler to a Barbie doll that is undressed, lighting the sparkler and throwing Barbie across the lawn. The point - not sure, I'm thinking not getting burnt. I did not invent it. Didn't even encourage it, don't like flaming things, well accept maybe Baked Alaska or Cherries Jubilee.

Elevator Rides

Most days the elevator is kind of slow, the ride is uneventful. Today a coworker was adjusting her twins, nope not her offspring, and one sprung loose. Somedays, all it takes is a suprise boob sighting. And not the imbecilic kind, I'm up to my ass in those.

28 August 2006

Rag freakin' weed

Although it has been raining for the last several days, the ragweed has been kicking my allergic ass and as much as I choose to believe that snot running down my upper lip makes me look younger, enough already. The entirety of the American Tourister brand name and logo fits on my eye bags.

27 August 2006

Always check the caller id.

Phone rings this morning as I'm on the way out the door to work. Pick it up in case work is cancelled. Man attempting to be sultry is on the line asking, "What are you wearing?" My response, "Boxing gloves and a turban, who the hell is this?" Sultry man - gulping "sorry, wrong number." Me: "You don't know how right you are about that brother,"

25 August 2006

What a way to start the day...

When I was young, nubile and tactful, shut up, I was young once, I had both an off switch and an internal censor. After 20 exceedingly odd years at this job, the censor has been worn away. This morning someone phoned me inadvertently and needed to speak to someone who could assist them, so I volunteered to switch their phone call to such a person, because I'm sporty like that. The party on the phone asked if I'd be switching them to a live person. My response was "Define live."

24 August 2006

4 Things

Wow formatting this is a collossal pain in the ass. And of course, I'm used to writing memos in Excel so what do I know? A friend posted this and I found it interesting so... here goes......... 1) Four jobs that I have held- domestic help- accountant – this is just funny- massage therapist- karate teacher 2) Four movies that I could watch over and over- Sleepers- Field of Dreams- What the Bleep Do We Know?- Steel Magnolias 3) Four places that I have lived- New Brunswick, NJ- Freehold, NJ - Scranton, PA- Eatontown, NJ 4) Four shows I love(d) to watch- West Wing- Pinky and the Brain- Designing Women- Sports Night 5) Four places I have been on vacation- Cape Cod- Sedona- Jacksonville, NC- Orlando 6) Four web sites I visit daily- nj.com- abmp.com- namgyal.org- google.com

Report from Planet Dumbass

Sooooo, in the vacuum created by the lack of the troll there is room
for the inane presence of the sister of the troll (2 of the trolls 3
sisters work here) and her older sister is also right around as
smart as lint. She's calling me asking me if a person is slated to
receive a monthly payment of $2,500 and the deductions total $2,800 -
how much will he receive? (Is this a trick fucking question, I ask myself?)
I know she can just about hear my eyes roll clear to the back of my skull nearly past my occiput and onto my cervical vertebrae. Says I, "well, we cannot deduct more money than he's
receiving so he's not going to get a check." Her - "oh, we don't
issue checks for negative $300?
Me - "No, that would be a bill and I do payroll
not billing." (the "you fucking idiot" is unspoken but implied)

23 August 2006

A look back at the first week of 2006

2006 started out relatively quietly and somewhat inauspiciously for me, I was a little under the weather with an upper respiratory infection but figured - ok, I actually have time to be sick this weekend.... bring it on. So the URI progressed into a little laryngytis, a little cough... nothing unmanageable until Tuesday evening when.... I vomited 6 times per hour for 8 and 1/2 hours. Yup, do the math... at least 48 times. How's that for a killer ab workout to start the New Year? Oh and FYI - vomit is hell on the nonstick surface of pots, so don't use them to puke in. The voice was still gone and I was too bored to stay home from work on Thursday so I come into work and of course, the phones are ringing off the hook, and when I talk almost no sound comes out. But I sound sultry as hell when sound does come out. Come home Thursday night and I had anticipated a quiet night of recovery and doing some high speed nothing. Came home, ate my soup, got rid of junk mail, went up to read email, noticed Stripe (my middle child cat) splayed out spread eagle with his whup (generic term for genitalia - male or female) hanging out like a large buddha cat stuck on his back. From previous (read: expensive) experience knew that we had to go to the cat ER. Attempted to capture and crate Stripe for 25 minutes, up the stairs, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the stairs after no less than 7 rounds of that, I finally get hip and close the door to my bedroom once i trap his shiny, shifty ass in there. 10 minutes more of upending the bed and such, I successfully crate him and we toddle off to the cat ER. (which is also a dog er and I follow the dog blood into the joint but i digress). So the triage nurse whirls out, I tell him the problem as much as I can since oh, yeah, I still cannot speak audibly. He takes the Stripe in the back and returns in about 20 with Stripe in the crate and a syringe full of Stripe pee on top of the crate. Stripe's ureter is not blocked, he peed a good stream but his penis is prolapsed so I should stick around and see a doctor, it will be about an hour. (this is about 10:20PM) Meanwhile, there's this cracker trash fool who came in with bleeding dogs, warring with the girlfriend, blah, blah, blah, trying to phone anyone he can think of to bring him money to get his dogs stitched up. Unreal! So I'm sitting by this giant fish tank that I'm thinking Stripe would like to eye the snacks contained therein but I just figure it's best not to rile him up if the doc's gotta look at him and his whup. So about 1120 the doc comes out, talks to me looks at stripe, takes him to the back to xray his bladder to see rocks and catheterize him to see if he's got little rocks in his whup. To make this very long story short, no sign of any more rocks, he pees some more for them. She gives him subcutaneous fluids and I take him home and lock him in the powder room with water, food, a litter box and my shirt to sleep on... this was at 12:22. I'm stupefied. And no longer recall the point of all this.

So this morning, I spring him from lock up to see that he has peed at least 4 times and thankfully since he was isolated I don't have to play a rousing game of ID the pee by dawn's early light.

I will be infinitely grateful to the powers of the universe if this is my worse week all year...

20 August 2006

Never, ever dull

I had dinner with the parents this evening, as the conversation took the bizarre turns that familial conversations take, my parents were moved to ask me what my funeral arrangements would be since I am Buddhist. I said, Fed Ex my dead ass to a charnel ground and let the vultures do what vultures do. Why ask me this when we're eating pork?

16 August 2006

Would you believe I won a coffee maker with this?

I need a Keurig Brewer to keep my kitten Sharkbutt out of the throes of caffeine psychosis and to prevent stunted growth. Sharkbutt has learned how to swing the basket of coffee grounds out of my coffee maker and he snacks on them. Notwithstanding that Sharkbutt caroms around the house like he was shot out of a cannon without caffeine, he's now bouncing off the walls much harder and leaving dents. A Keurig Brewer would prevent potential caffeine injuries to my cat and would also allow me to continue to enjoy GMCR's great products throughout the day without worrying of the dangers of kittens in the coffee grounds.

I received this in an email verbatim

I AM ORDER DO YOU NEED ANYTHING - written as a declarative, meant as a question. The declaration makes me think if you are order why does my desk look like 15 reams of paper threw up on it? I need order on my damned desk. And someone to answer the phones whose IQ exceeds that of snot. And the most astounding thing to me about the sentence is that each and every word in it is spelled correctly... yup, it's a first.

Overheard Conversation

S - when she was put on payroll, she was put on with the wrong name.

L- what does that mean?

S - her name is wrong on payroll.

L - I don't understand.

me - what could there possibly be to understand? her goddamned name is wrong on payroll. which part are you not getting?

... not surprisingly both of my eyes are twitching now.

Why? Oh Why?

I don't think I ask for much, but in my monthly report I religiously ask for a squadron of flying monkeys to aid and abet me in my duties of Queen of Payroll. With flying monkeys, I could get so much more done and wouldn't have to deal with these people that need to become acquainted with the view from the roof, right before I have to cause them to jump.

15 August 2006

I could babble all night

It's rather alarming, how thoroughly I can babble. I've been thinking a lot about karma of late, I've been working pretty hard to clean mine up, as I've not always been this freakin' ray of sunshine. What's the old saying "if you want to see God's will, stick around and see what happens and that's it." Of course, I've got to reenact that I'm a visitor from planet dumbass and do biceps curls with cats, yep, live ones. Cats are not amused by being curled. Not amused at all.

Favorite Things

In no particular order - ice packs, ice water, Pinky and the Brain, Marx Brothers movies, Tibetan chant, baseball, Sedona, stupid human trick, Randori, scalp massage,

Weight Loss Frolic

Having struggled with my weight all of my adult and much of my non-adult life, I've learned there are rules that are seldom shared about weight loss. They are, in no particular order: 1. To lose weight you must eat. If you don't eat the body goes into starvation mode and when that happens, it thinks to itself "look bitch, as long as you starve me I will hang onto every fat molecule until death do us part" 2. To lose weight you must excrete, that's what the fiber is all about, nuff said. 3. To lose weight you gotta move, muscle is metabolically active tissue the more of it you have the more calories it uses. There are more rules, but these are the big 3.

What Fresh Hell?

Well, slap my face and call me Zsa Zsa, where do they find these people that I work with? Picture it - I'm listening to a woman exclaim about the green seaking dress she wore to church on Sunday. And as I'm listening, I'm thinking hmmm, church pageant with Queen Neptune - sounds kinda pagany, in a slow boat to Hell kind of way... and listening further I realize at the same time as the woman with whom she's conversing that she's referring to a green sequinned dress. Next thing out of the other ones mouth is 'gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you know you can fuck up a word, I'm getting ready to ask you what the fuck a seaking is.'